Some Thoughts on Dreamcatchers.

August 16, 2010


A Dreamcatcher is a device designed to take away your dreams. In this sense it is much like a spouse, or permanent employment. Dreamcatchers tend to be assembled from willow hoops within which are woven webs akin to those of a spider, often made from sinew or nettle fibre. They are designed in this fashion […]

Posted in: Guides, Humour

Some Thoughts on Clothed Ghosts.

August 14, 2010


  If the vast majority of witnesses to phantasmal visitations are to be believed, ghosts wear clothes. That’s just an accepted fact. It is of course possible that as many people are seeing nude ghosts, and deciding for whatever reason not to tell anyone, but it’s fully decent spectres that get all the publicity. This […]

Posted in: Guides, Humour

Bedtime Stories : Business as Usual – Part One

August 9, 2010


  “Ian, close the door, would you?” Ray had decided no-one else was going to turn up. He swung his legs onto the oval table as Ian reached back to push the meeting room door shut. The other attendees were all sat in chairs, but Ray considered that his senior position in the company behooved […]

Goodnight IV

July 29, 2010


More of the advice that has helped so many go to their rest. Goodnight… Painting crowds of people in silhouette on every wall in the house would probably frighten and confuse intruders. No downside. Yes, that was just a shadow you glimpsed earlier. No, it wasn’t yours. The moths probably won’t release enough dust to […]

Goodnight III

June 25, 2010


Literally people have been asking for a fresh compilation of night-time well-wishings. Such a thing now exists, and indeed follows.     Goodnight… Earwigs make for unpleasant bedfellows, but they are as nothing to the mouthmoth and the eyespider. The feeling you have of being watched actually stems from the millions of tiny bugs currently […]

The Rise of Mighty Cleggron.

May 12, 2010


Posted in: Artwork, Humour, Twitter

A Bedtime Story : Dental Records.

April 9, 2010


The three men stood around the filing cabinet and stared at the contents of the narrow drawer Matheson had just pulled out; he with pride, the other two in quiet admiration. ‘That’s the lot. One year’s worth,’ Matheson beamed, ‘almost.’ Jones looked to Phillips and mouthed a silent ‘wow’ before turning back to Matheson. ‘So […]

Posted in: Bedtime Stories, Fiction

A Guide to Dreams.

April 5, 2010


I recently had one of those dreams where you’re at school doing exams that you’re ill-prepared for. But it was worse, because the course was 70% continual assessment. So I was there for two years. In my pants. This harrowing experience has lead me to believe that people need help to conquer their dreams, and […]

Posted in: Guides, Humour

A Bedtime Story : The Wrong Kind of Toilet.

March 26, 2010


The train slid through the dark evening air as George sat cursing his phone battery. Another hour to go, and no electronic distractions from the boredom. In the darkness the window provided no more entertainment than a reflection of George’s own annoyed face. Looking around the carriage, he became aware of his solitary travelling companion; […]

Posted in: Bedtime Stories, Fiction

A Bedtime Story : Mister Pettifer.

March 20, 2010


Trevor had been friends with Mister Pettifer ever since he’d first found him propped up on a bench in the park. His parents hadn’t been home at the time, so Trevor had performed the task of maneuvering Mister Pettifer into the go-kart and bringing him home alone. Trevor was big for his age, but this […]

Posted in: Bedtime Stories, Fiction

A Guide to Relationships.

March 13, 2010


Last night, one of the most popular trends on Twitter was the #relationshiptips hashtag. ‘Good’, I thought, ‘surely much wisdom will be imparted here.’ But no. 90% of the tweets therein were along the lines of ‘bitches always be illin in my face’ or ‘keep God first’. ‘No’, I thought, ‘that’s not helpful enough for […]

Posted in: Guides, Humour, Twitter

Saving the Greetings Industry : A Proposal.

February 17, 2010


This recently-unearthed transcript from a well-known TV programme shows how a group of young go-getters with strong business heads on their shoulders attempted to revitalize the British greetings industry. Unfortunately, the show in question was pulled at the last minute owing to the quantity of graphic language and intense battle violence, or who knows, we […]

Posted in: Humour

Goodnight II

February 10, 2010


Here’s a fresh batch of Goodnight tweets. I’ve been a bit nocturnal lately, so many will have missed a lot of them. “Grr…Argh.” Goodnight. With the introduction of ASCII to the modern seance, spirits now knock 89 times for ‘Y’ or 78 for ‘N’. Goodnight. That unnerving heartbeat you can hear is almost certainly just […]


February 6, 2010


Today marks my first full year on Twitter. To mark this historic event, I’ve pulled out a little selection of non-sequiturs from those twelve months. Endure! In the army, a workplace romance is known as tanky panky. As good as Venus and Serena are, they will always live in the shadow of their grandfather, Tennisy […]

Posted in: Humour, Twitter

A Short Strip About Hairdressing.

January 25, 2010


Sometimes they let me have crayons, so I’ll put the odd drawing up occasionally to break things up a bit.

Posted in: Artwork

Blair – The Evidence.

January 24, 2010


These days, Tony Blair blithely states that he went into Iraq simply because “it felt good, baby”, but back then it was a different story. His overwhelming fear then was one of nuclear ballistic robots, and the very real possibility that Saddam might already have possessed such nightmare tech in an imagined future reality. During […]

Posted in: Audio, Cut-ups, Humour