Goodnight X: Goodneighbour II – Goodneighbourer.

More simple suggestions on how to seem more like those around you.

• When the new neighbours move in, give them a missing dog poster with a picture of a local dog you like. See if they can get it.
• Instead of “first pet” and “mother’s maiden name” banking security questions should be based on things only you know, like “name of first victim”.
• Earn the respect of your neighbours by saying you know nothing about things you actually know nothing about, but then winking.
• The suspicion that somebody is using your mouthwash is much worse if there is none missing from the bottle.
• You can tell a lot about a person from their urine, and its location.
• If you lose the spare key while the neighbours are away, simply put a lot of bottles of milk outside and report a funny smell.
• Don’t tell your neighbours that you are auditing their medicine cabinet. Some of their pills may make them paranoid & irritable.
• Make your neighbours splash urine all over themselves by putting clingfilm over your letterbox.
• If a lot of your unaddressed mail tends to be rotting or on fire, try asking your postman about the opt out service.
• Safely earn your neighbour’s trust by asking them to look after your spare key and giving them some old key that fits nothing.
• When babysitting, send reassuring texts to the parents throughout the evening, such as “I HAVE YOUR CHILDREN”.
• Lay the groundwork for a subsequent “psychic” phone call by sneaking into your neighbour’s kitchen and bending all their cutlery.
• The time limit of acceptability for throwing rice at married couples is definitely less than a year. It turns out.
• Your neighbour will not believe it’s a surprise party if you’re the only one hiding behind their sofa. As it turns out.
• Keep your jar of black balls representing your neighbours’ transgressions in the window, regardless of where they keep theirs.
• Video arrivals at your coffee morning so when they say you can take their coats they can’t later renege on this verbal contract.
• Remember to stop humming when your neighbour comes over to refresh your coffee, or they will know it’s you.
• Test your friendships with neighbours by presenting them with large framed photos of yourself and seeing where they display them.
• Claim your neighbour’s children have plagiarised your early work in their fridge paintings in hope of an out-of-court settlement. It should be easy to point to stylistic similarities and matching subject matter in any number of samples from your nursery portfolio.
• Avoid sitting through a neighbour’s holiday snaps by insisting on demonstrating your powers of “remote viewing” & simply leaving.
• Through judicious and surreptitious use of their kitchen calendars, you can tell your neighbours what to do, and when to do it.
• In some places, the “thumbs-up” gesture is considered rude. For example; at a funeral.
• Always wear many layers, and multiple pairs of trousers, to gain a vital edge in case the coffee morning turns to strip poker.
• Don’t throw away old toothbrushes; secrete them in the bathrooms of your neighbours to add mystery and suspicion to their lives.
• Remember that you can’t report your neighbour for fly-tipping while the offending furniture is still in their house.
• Befriend a neighbour by painting their house number on another neighbour’s wheelie bin and pointing it out to them.
• Try not to sound judgemental when you are counting the bottles in your neighbours’ recycling boxes.
• When you see someone in the park putting dog dirt in a bag, make it your business to ask them how long they’ve been collecting.
  NB: Some will pretend not to understand. Don’t antagonise them unduly, as they are armed with dog dirt.
• If you find a child’s shoe, don’t leave it on your wall. You don’t want children trying it on and pestering you to sell the pair.
• Ask each of your neighbours for a favour, but when they say OK don’t claim it immediately; say you’ll call on them in due course.
• Secretly mark all your neighbours’ belongings with a UV pen. If they’re ever burgled, anything the police recover will be yours.
• If you find some money outside a neighbour’s house it is considered good manners to show them what you bought with it.