Goodnight III

Posted on June 25, 2010


Literally people have been asking for a fresh compilation of night-time well-wishings. Such a thing now exists, and indeed follows.




Earwigs make for unpleasant bedfellows, but they are as nothing to the mouthmoth and the eyespider.

The feeling you have of being watched actually stems from the millions of tiny bugs currently staring in awe.

Even if they did organise themselves, there are barely enough beetles in the room to carry your recumbent form to their lair.

The cockroaches think you’re OK, but to the moths you are the giant enemy that extinguishes the fascinating shiny thing.

Don’t worry, the angry moths don’t drink blood. No, only tears can slake their thirst.

Even motivated by revenge, slime mould is unlikely to reach you during a normal night’s sleep. Presuming it’s not a warm night.

The closer the room gets to body temperature, the more easily confused the spiders will become re mouths. Remember your muzzle.

Remember the moths can’t bite you. Except in the larval stage. And there’re probably fewer than 100 of those for every flapper.

Good news. Your moth problem can easily be addressed by releasing a few hundred parasitic wasps in the bedroom.

If you followed last night’s instructions your moth problem is over. I’m working on a solution for your new wasp problem.

There’s a reasonable chance the release of a few hundred thousand bee mites will address your new parasitic wasp infestation.

Nasal brain extraction from the recumbent for mummification is rare nowadays. Still, nostril clips *are* cheap.

Bulletproof mirrors are a little more expensive, but you can sleep knowing that your reflection’s going nowhere.

Why not try balancing a bucket of holy water on the door? Vampires will respect the effort & see the funny side.

Remember to use holy water when brushing to stave off corruption of the teeth and eternal dental damnation.

Don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with your central heating. That sound isn’t something a plumber can fix.

You’re unlikely to swallow your tongue in your sleep, but a piercing *would* enable you to secure it to the bedpost for safety.

Few of the larger insects that winter in duvets have stings, and only 4 species can break pencils in their mandibles.

Now you have a reasonable collection of dead moths in your uplighter shades, consider rehousing them in cabinets.

That sneaking suspicion that there should be more flatware than that in the cutlery drawer? Maybe check the loft in the morning.

When playing Scrabble against the Ouija board, be prepared to challenge. Demon names are high-scoring, but they are proper nouns.

In addition to scrabble, spirits are often fond of draughts. It will never be clear where these are coming from.

Remember that analogue ouija boards will no longer work now.

Don’t forget the witching hour will be 12 till 1 throughout BST, so hang your corn dollies earlier.

When did you last look in your cistern? Don’t worry now. Doubtful there’s anything that could be described as a “nest” in there.

When performing an exorcism, a good tip is to use those joke candles that you can’t blow out.

When performing your exorcism, choose your bell carefully. Also, it will be advantageous to remove it from the bike.

Some people wake with horribly sprained necks from nighttime possessions. Avoid this by sleeping in a brace and head clamp.

If you balance some bottles at the door, there’s a chance you’ll wake up when ‘they’ return to continue their experiments.

Before sleep, why not check for unexplained new spots that might be injection marks from the previous night, if ‘they’ have been.

Painting the darkened empty interior of your room onto your windows may be enough to convince “them” that you aren’t home.

There’s no reason to assume that your headache is connected to a monitoring device “they” have placed in your paranasal sinus.

Sleeping under the bed every night to avoid abduction is ridiculous. Rotate through multiple different places. Try the wardrobe.

The scratches in the door were probably the cat. The scratches in the window pane are harder to explain.

Don’t worry, it’s unlikely that the deadly gas between the panes of your double glazing will elect to escape tonight.

Don’t worry about central heating noises. Those creatures never leave the pipes, not unless the heat’s off for several days.

You don’t definitely need to sleep in full apiarist garb. Some of the wasps coming through the airbrick aren’t that aggressive.

You’d be unlucky indeed to get both nostrils blocked at once by inquisitive wasps. It’s maybe a one in twenty freak occurrence.

If you do decide to wear a gasmask against the volcanic cloud tonight, do make sure it isn’t full of wasps first.

The acid rain due overnight as a result of the volcanic activity will make it through a floor or two. Maybe sleep under a table.

You only really have to worry about all those wasps when the buzzing stops. You can still hear the buzzing, right?

Don’t worry, that sound was just a car door. The binmen won’t take it though; you’ll need to call the council.

Whilst the wasps can sometimes be lulled to sleep by smoke, don’t be tempted to set fire to the curtains.

The feeling you sometimes get while lying in bed, like you just suddenly dropped several feet? That’s ‘them’ putting you back.

If you wake up later with a need to urinate, don’t worry. It just means ‘they’ have overcompensated during fluid replenishment.

That breathing sound is probably coming from your sleeping neighbour. It’s less than 50-50 coming from within the wall cavity.

The sounds coming from the pipes probably aren’t morse. Don’t sit up with a pad and paper.

Most spectres become instantly less scary once a sheet has been thrown over them. NB:Doesn’t work for the ghosts of klan members.

The good news is, while it’s still making the groaning noises out there, it’s not listening for you.

Whatever’s bricked up behind that wall, it’ll probably take it more than 8 hours to scrape its way through. Get some sleep.

It’s unlikely your poltergeist will get too violent, but fitting a rollcage to the bed needn’t be that expensive.

That dragging sound coming from the hallway is good news. Whatever it is, you’re probably going to be able to outrun it.

How often do you turn and suddenly all the cupboard doors and drawers are open? Child-proofing also works for most poltergeists.

It’s well worth a few weeks of your time coating all your possessions in blutack to know what your poltergeist has been handling.

Photographing everything in the fridge each night for comparison will give some idea as to whether ‘they’ are still in the house.

The spirits often show up on CCD imagery, so don’t take a photo on the mobile from the bed if sleeping in crowds is a problem.

If you don’t want to read the messages your entity has written for you on the duvet, just don’t buy a blacklight.

On a hot night like this, why not try sleeping in that corner where you always feel like you’re being watched? It’s nice & cool.

You can counter the effects of rapid eye movement with rapid head movement. Maybe one of those vibrating beds might achieve this.

You’re unlikely to be buried alive as you sleep, but simply swallowing a small phone each night might just save your life. Make sure it’s cordless though.

Pre-empt any paranormal activity by simply screaming IN GOD’S NAME WHAT DO YOU WANT before your evening cocoa.

It’s hot. Leave the window open. There’s no way the moths can fly off with you. Not in one piece, anyway.

Why not ensure your sheet doesn’t float around terrorising hippies and Great Danes tonight by simply stapling it to the bed?

You know how you still have spare keys to everywhere you’ve ever lived? So does every former occupant of your property.

Those that fear the moth, attracted as it is to the light, mercifully don’t see the insects that are attracted to the dark.

Anyone that tells you you’re grinding your teeth at night is probably trying to cover up a sinister and gradual enamel theft.

There are more than seven different patterns of Yale key, so the odds are against an unhinged passerby having the same one.

Everyone thinks they like to see a smiling face, until they actually open the bedroom curtains.

Don’t worry about that foot dangling over the edge of the bed. It’s far more likely to go for the head first.

If you don’t listen hard for the footsteps on the staircase, who’s to say they’ll continue?

If you find a dried humanoid husk in your wardrobe/loft, check the face. If it matches yours, you have nothing to worry about.

There aren’t many people that can fit through a letterbox. You don’t want to meet the ones that can though. Best nail it shut.

Remember, it’s not their fault your garden is at the intersection of ley lines. Just let them finish the ritual.

There’s no law against that guy sticking his arm through your letterbox, so don’t prejudge the situation.

Before you jump to conclusions, remember that the man at your window could easily be wearing that balaclava for medical reasons.

A simple application of clingfilm to the head could stop voodoo practitioners from stealing hairs as you sleep.

It’s unlikely that the insects have studied you long enough yet to combine and take on your form, but maybe lock the clothes up.

Don’t worry. The stain that’s creeping under the door can easily be gotten out with liberal doses of salt, soap and ammonia.

Total overnight hair loss affects less than 1 in 2, but it’s still worth defending against by coating your head in Copydex.

When ‘they’ come, they may well shine bright lights in your face. Sunglasses will help you sleep through this.

In case your poltergeist is a “screamer”, you may wish to don your industrial earmuffs before you retire.

Oven gloves will prevent you from poking yourself in the eye as you sleep. Behind your back would be safest.

The cardboard tube from a toilet roll makes an ideal mouth tunnel to ensure spiders can get back out during the night.

The human eyelid rarely heals shut during sleep, but a strip of Sellotape running from eyeball to cheek will make sure.

Moving the bed at hourly intervals will lessen the risk of becoming irrevocably coccooned as you sleep.

If you’re getting up unusually early, remember to leave a note in the living room to this effect. They don’t like surprises.

You’d be surprised how many people neglect to belt a pillow round their head and suffer all manner of somnambulistic injuries.

You can avoid the very real danger of swallowing & digesting one of your own limbs in your sleep by wearing a simple neck cone.

A tin foil hat is OK for blocking messages from “them”, but in case “they” pay a visit, you’ll be needing tin foil pyjamas too.