Browsing All Posts filed under »Guides«

Coping with Christmas.

December 1, 2011


Now that Advent is upon us, here are some valuable tips to help you to get through this difficult period. A neighbour’s Christmas card is a good way of planting their DNA at the scene of a crime, but always remember to cross your name out. It’s considered bad luck to set fire to your […]

Some Thoughts on Books.

May 13, 2011


    The problem with bookshops is that nobody in them is the least bit impressed that you are buying a book. In this day and age, the purchase of literature should prompt onlookers to drop what they are doing and spontaneously applaud. At the very least, a small interview in the local paper should […]

Some Thoughts on Pretending to Swear on TV.

August 21, 2010


  A groundbreaking show is coming to television. It will be based on the Twitter account “Shit My Dad Says”, and will feature a straight-shooting old man, who isn’t afraid to say exactly what he thinks, and if that means swearing, then he just about blinking well will, the flipper. Unfortunately, the network isn’t happy […]

Some Thoughts on Dreamcatchers.

August 16, 2010


A Dreamcatcher is a device designed to take away your dreams. In this sense it is much like a spouse, or permanent employment. Dreamcatchers tend to be assembled from willow hoops within which are woven webs akin to those of a spider, often made from sinew or nettle fibre. They are designed in this fashion […]

Some Thoughts on Clothed Ghosts.

August 14, 2010


  If the vast majority of witnesses to phantasmal visitations are to be believed, ghosts wear clothes. That’s just an accepted fact. It is of course possible that as many people are seeing nude ghosts, and deciding for whatever reason not to tell anyone, but it’s fully decent spectres that get all the publicity. This […]

A Guide to Dreams.

April 5, 2010


I recently had one of those dreams where you’re at school doing exams that you’re ill-prepared for. But it was worse, because the course was 70% continual assessment. So I was there for two years. In my pants. This harrowing experience has lead me to believe that people need help to conquer their dreams, and […]

A Guide to Relationships.

March 13, 2010


Last night, one of the most popular trends on Twitter was the #relationshiptips hashtag. ‘Good’, I thought, ‘surely much wisdom will be imparted here.’ But no. 90% of the tweets therein were along the lines of ‘bitches always be illin in my face’ or ‘keep God first’. ‘No’, I thought, ‘that’s not helpful enough for […]