Goodnight IV

Posted on July 29, 2010


More of the advice that has helped so many go to their rest.


Painting crowds of people in silhouette on every wall in the house would probably frighten and confuse intruders. No downside.

Yes, that was just a shadow you glimpsed earlier. No, it wasn’t yours.

The moths probably won’t release enough dust to completely engulf you, but it may be worth sleeping with a straw in your mouth.

Remember, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression during a close encounter of the third kind.

You’ll admit to years in someone’s company without truly knowing them, and yet instantly rush to judge a face at the window.

Those noises are simply the house settling. Under the weight of the intruders.

You’re right, that crack in the ceiling wasn’t there before; The things that crawl across it at night aren’t without weight.

People remember the curtains, but you’d be surprised how many forget to drape cloth over all the other reflective surfaces.

Here’s hoping your reflection doesn’t realise it only needs to say your name three times in the mirror to summon you.

They’re awfully attracted to the light. If the bulbs weren’t so bright you could actually see the fingerprints forming.

The white noise from an analogue TV may help you sleep, until you see the real reason why the bandwidth was decommissioned.

What you can’t see, can’t hurt you. The rules are unfortunately less clear on things glimpsed out of the corner of your eye.

Some people don’t even realise they have a basement until they wake up in it.

The toilet is an entrance as well as an exit. Is that lid good and heavy?

Those neighbours you don’t get on with? They kept spare keys for your predecessors. Who forgot to reclaim them upon moving.

I wouldn’t worry too much about what’s in the wall cavity. It’s not going to get out by giggling.

People ask where I get my ideas. It’s mainly overheard conversations. Coming from the attic.

Earwigs can nest happily for months in dark covered colonies if undisturbed. That pillow doesn’t really need plumping up.

Is your spirit unhappy? Check your double-glazing for tears trapped between the panes.

Remember to check and plot the tally of people in photographs around the room. Hopefully you’re still seeing a flat-line graph.

The hooded kids with torches in your garden are probably just playing Star Wars. Leave them to it.

You’ll never know the cockroaches were there. They’ll be gone before you wake. All they want is the body heat. For now.

The red trail in the hallway will still be there in the morning. No sense following it right now.

Dust mites seem happy with flakes of discarded skin, but it’s only a matter of time before they get greedy and go to the source.

There could be any number of reasons why your phone is full of pictures of you sleeping. It was probably that recent update.

Photograph everything in situ tonight, and you’ll know for sure nothing’s been messed with in the morning. Apart from the camera.

It may help you with your fear of spiders if you try to picture them naked.

You can avoid poltergeists messing with your stuff as you sleep by wearing it all on a belt. Use chains for the bigger items.

It’s almost certainly just the high pollen count that’s making people burst into tears as they pass your house.

You may as well leave the curtains open. Judging by your neighbour’s photos, that’s not where he’s watching from.

The heat may cause shrinkage, so don’t panic if the insects seem larger in the morning.

Will tonight mark the tipping point where perspiration means your mattress contains more you than you do? Don’t tell it your PIN.

The beetles scuttling through the darkness may seem fierce, but remember, underneath those hard black carapaces it’s just brain.