Goodnight VIII

More advice from the small hours. It’s mostly about how to be a great neighbour.

• When popping unwanted food through your neighbour’s door with a note saying “I couldn’t finish this”, remember to bag it first.
• An unsigned note through your neighbours’ doors reading “I want it back by midnight” will reveal who has borrowed what from whom.
• At your next coffee morning, postulate that one among your neighbours will betray you. Silently make notes about the reactions.
• Insist guests sign a visitors’ book, but fill in the comment section yourself with phrases like ‘not yet’ and ‘suspects nothing’.
• If a neighbour needs the bathroom during your coffee morning, ask for their keys, in case you are caught short in the meantime.
• The presence of a large padlocked Ottoman enlivens any coffee morning. Refuse to discuss it and check the lock frequently.
• Adopt an air of mystery with neighbours by having your clothing and possessions monogrammed with someone else’s initials.
• Upon discovering pages of pornography in a hedge, a good neighbour will go house to house to see if anyone has mislaid them.
• Make a neighbour feel less alone by asking them who it is you keep seeing in the window of their spare room.
• Establish moral superiority over a neighbour by telling them you forgive them. If they ask what for, say it’s already forgotten.
• Always remember, there are two kind-of people in your street.
• Show concern for a neighbour by often telling them what a shame it would be if something were to happen to them.
• Appear interesting to a neighbour by telling them to say you were home all day if anybody asks. Say it’s “for a thing”.
• Too many old papers? Highlight random sections and post them through a neighbour’s door with a note: “I saw this and thought of you”.
• You may burble PINs while talking in your sleep. Reduce this security threat by shouting random 4 digit numbers throughout the night.
• Don’t wait to be asked the time; volunteer the information to a stranger. They’ll always realise they’re late for something.
• When broadcasting on a neighbour’s baby monitor frequency, less is more; restrict yourself to intoning the odd sentence in Latin.
• It’s never too late to tell someone you’re thinking of them. A dart is a good method of picking a random name from the phone book.
• If you’re having trouble turning a tap on, try urinating.
• They say if you talk in the mirror until you can’t see your lips move any more, a doll will come and find you.
• Teach your neighbour to rise earlier by leaving an empty bassinet outside their door with a note saying “please look after her”.
• If you’re thinking of changing your house’s number for a name, a good option to consider is ‘Freepost’.
• Befriend a neighbour through similar tastes; try claiming to have photos of all the same people they have on their mantelpiece.
• Make a neighbour more existentially inquisitive by putting missing person flyers through their door with their own face on.