Some Thoughts on Clothed Ghosts.

Posted on August 14, 2010



If the vast majority of witnesses to phantasmal visitations are to be believed, ghosts wear clothes. That’s just an accepted fact. It is of course possible that as many people are seeing nude ghosts, and deciding for whatever reason not to tell anyone, but it’s fully decent spectres that get all the publicity. This can only mean that fabrics and textiles also have an afterlife. This all fits in neatly with the theory that many ghosts look like floating bedsheets; what people have seen in those cases is the wraith of actual deceased linen, possibly seeking vengeance for some past hideous dishonour or soiling it has suffered.

There are many reported cases of the apparitions of fully clad and armed Roman centurions being seen, which means that metal, handily, goes on to the spirit realm too. It also means that the next world is like some massive fancy dress party, with people doomed to an eternity of embarrassment because of unfortunate fashion choices in the eras of their demise.

Some theorise that ghosts will always be seen in the clothes in which they were buried. The only obvious way to confirm this is to bury people in something outlandish that they literally wouldn’t be seen dead in. It’s possible that this experiment has already been carried out, and there aren’t any Roman centurion ghosts, just a lot of very confused dead Victorians.

If it truly is the case, it’s certainly an excellent and permanent way to annoy someone you didn’t like very much.

Many legends and tales suggest that ghosts are doomed to repeat traumatic events, so it’s perfectly understandable that they would need various accoutrements and furnishings. People have even heard ghostly clocks, which are presumably essential to maintaining supernatural punctuality. Many of them only do their best work at the stroke of midnight, after all.

The question is, where does it all end? One can only assume that generations to come will be plagued by manifestations of spooky smartphones, ghoulish games consoles and terrifying televisions. People will speak in hushed tones about ringtones, and live in fear of catching a glimpse of Mario in some dark mirror.

If that is to be the case, there is, however, an upside; at least the shades our fully entertainment-equipped generation leaves behind won’t be bothering people by moving about too much. Aside, of course, from the occasional journey from the armchair to the toilet, both of which will also have returned with some manner of unresolved issue.

We know for sure toilets come back, because that’s the only rational explanation for the phenomenon of the ‘ghost shit’; Those times when you’re certain you’ve been, but there’s nothing in the bowl. Where does it all go? The afterlife, that’s where. It’s full of it.



Posted in: Guides, Humour