Some so-called jokes.

A few days ago, it was three years since my first Twitter anniversary. To mark this highly significant date, here are some lies and off-colour remarks from that period. Endure.

Jay-Z will always live in the shadow of his brother A, author of the best-selling ‘London’.

Pharoah to hieroglyphist: “There’s no eye in team.”

When Chuck D’s bladder is full, he goes for a Public Enemy number one.

Just been reading 2000AD. Did we really used to dress like that?

Instead of “first pet” & “mother’s maiden name” banking security questions should be things only you know, like “name of first victim”.

“There is no ‘i’ in ‘organ recital'” said the priest, explaining the unfortunate typo to the new choir boys.

A fast car is the opposite of a buffet car.

Prostitutes let themselves out.

I’m thinking of letting an old pair of trousers out. Would suit young professional.

French grenades are known as pommes de guerre.

Just held a black mass. It’s amazing what you can find at the back of the fridge.

I saw a picture of Zammo as an adult. He really shot up.

A good motto for estate agents is “there’s no ‘i’ in ‘realty'”.

The answers to the eye test are Better, Better, Worse, Same, Same, Better, Same in that order, unless they’ve changed it.

If I’d put a little more thought into naming my cat, I could have done things at the stroke of midnight any time I wanted.

The Human Centipede was sad at the end. And the other end.

127 Hours started out as a two-hander.

Come on, Hollywood. It’s either ‘The Team’ or ‘A Team’. It can’t be both.

Looking forward to starting my home-baking diary. Roll on Thursday.

No panini, no ganini.

Baking humour is mainly doughball entendres.

I’ve got my 100m swimming certificate, but even rolled up I can’t get it into the house.

If you have an argument about Gene Simmons’ favourite things, Kiss and make-up.

It’s hard to achieve flattery without turning on the irony.

At school, if the nurse forgot her first aid kit she had to bandage the wounded in her pants.

At primary school, every time someone spilt sawdust the caretaker would come and throw up in it.

When I was young, I broke several of the laws of physics, including “don’t plug the bunsen burners into the water taps”.

They’ve been repeating Last of the Summer Wine. It’s good to remember Compo happy and sat in the bath, rather than when he started to go downhill.

I before E. – West Country queueing

Hands up if you’re next in line in a Mexican wave.

The Fonz always had trouble thinking outside the bogs.

Rizlas and beds seem to be based on two differently sized kings.

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. Pissflaps.” – Tourette Butler.

“The rumour of my depth has been greatly exaggerated” – Mark Twain’s swimming pool.

“Two fat ladies… 11.” – Kenneth Tong calling bingo.

I’ve always been too frightened to ask what they sell in my local scaremongers.

When having your Kirlian aura photographed, remember to say qis.

That pizza pie song sounds pretty judgemental to someone you’ve told ‘amore’ is Italian for ‘immoral’.

Apparently, ham is worth more to a collector if you haven’t taken it out of its plastic container and played with it.

“I believe that children are our furniture.” – Ed Gein

The scientific name for comedy gold is custard pyrite.

“To see you, nice it is, it is nice to see you.” – Yoda’s Bruce Forsyth impression.

The self-employed needn’t miss out on ‘Secret Santa’, thanks to Internet shopping and heavy drinking.

I’d quite like to do a ‘Where’s Everyone Else’ book, featuring Wally utterly alone in a variety of desolate environments.

My favourite bit of Scooby Doo was always when they pulled off the caretaker’s face to reveal that he’d been a skeleton the whole time.

When I told them in the toy shop that toad wasn’t my favourite character, they got ratty.

Shepherd’s Pi is a number you arrive at when counting sheep and tragically fractions have become involved.

Still holding out the hope that my life up to now has just been Derren Brown trying to teach me an important lesson.

When someone says they’re ‘chilling with friends’, I try to imagine how menacing they must be with their enemies.

Rupert the Bear: I think I’ve lost my keys.

Bill Badger: Have you checked your trousers?

Explain the Internet to an elderly neighbour by leaving notes reading ‘fake’ or ‘gay’ next to all their photos and nick-nacks.

And finally, an abridged script:-

Crash (1996)

INT: HOSPITAL

HELEN -There’s been a terrible accident.

JAMES -I know. I came as soon as I heard.