Major New Purchasing Opportunity.

October 11, 2013


Disappearances. Denial. Dubiously sourced meat. A curiously understaffed company on an English trading estate struggles to conduct business as usual after a large conurbation in the Midlands goes missing. Meanwhile, the new owners upstairs and their shiny assistant appear to be working on a project of their own. I’ve written my first full-length novel. It’s […]

Posted in: Fiction

Some so-called jokes.

February 8, 2013


A few days ago, it was three years since my first Twitter anniversary. To mark this highly significant date, here are some lies and off-colour remarks from that period. Endure. Jay-Z will always live in the shadow of his brother A, author of the best-selling ‘London’. Pharoah to hieroglyphist: “There’s no eye in team.” When […]

Posted in: Artwork, Humour, Twitter

Some of the Nice Things People have been Saying about Catbin Fever.

July 21, 2012


I reproduce here some of the nice things people have been saying about my book, Catbin Fever on Twitter, in the hope that you, the reader, will either a) know some of these people and respect their opinions, or b) become browbeaten and overwhelmed by their apparent number, and in either case, will feel inexorably […]

Posted in: Uncategorized

Bedtime Stories : Creative Drawing

April 2, 2012


My name is Judith Palmer and I don’t regret anything I’ve done. I have taught at St. Agnes Primary School for three years, and I have no intention of leaving. After this term, Jordan will no longer be in my class, and it won’t seem so strange then. When his father asks me to marry […]

Coping with Christmas.

December 1, 2011


Now that Advent is upon us, here are some valuable tips to help you to get through this difficult period. A neighbour’s Christmas card is a good way of planting their DNA at the scene of a crime, but always remember to cross your name out. It’s considered bad luck to set fire to your […]

Tagged: , ,
Posted in: Artwork, Guides, Humour

Catbin Fever.

October 29, 2011


‘You’ve all been very understanding, loves, and this book is my way of saying “thank you, now help me pay for what somebody did to Brenda’s downstairs lavatory”. Ignore the name at the top. It’s all my work, he just wrote it down. I’m sure he wasn’t even listening half the time.’ – CBL CATBIN […]

Posted in: Uncategorized

Goodnight X: Goodneighbour II – Goodneighbourer.

May 26, 2011


More simple suggestions on how to seem more like those around you.   When the new neighbours move in, give them a missing dog poster with a picture of a local dog you like. See if they can get it. Instead of “first pet” and “mother’s maiden name” banking security questions should be based on […]

Posted in: Goodnight, Humour, Twitter

Some Thoughts on Books.

May 13, 2011


    The problem with bookshops is that nobody in them is the least bit impressed that you are buying a book. In this day and age, the purchase of literature should prompt onlookers to drop what they are doing and spontaneously applaud. At the very least, a small interview in the local paper should […]

Posted in: Guides, Humour

Goodnight IX : Goodneighbour.

April 18, 2011


More important information about blending with the community.   Get out of watering a neighbour’s houseplants by muttering things like “yeah, I’ll water them alright” and laughing to yourself. In fact, agreeing to do someone a favour in an unsettling sardonic tone will get you out of almost any task; try it next time someone […]

Posted in: Goodnight, Humour, Twitter

Goodnight VIII

March 14, 2011


More advice from the small hours. It’s mostly about how to be a great neighbour.     When popping unwanted food through your neighbour’s door with a note saying “I couldn’t finish this”, remember to bag it first. An unsigned note through your neighbours’ doors reading “I want it back by midnight” will reveal who […]

Posted in: Goodnight, Humour, Twitter

Goodnight VII

February 14, 2011


More important lifestyle advice normally imparted at times when only Atlanteans are awake.     Goodnight… Put a Valentine card to yourself through a neighbour’s door. When they bring it round, ignore their denials that it’s from them. Avoid being asked to look after neighbours’ pets by simply having forty or fifty lollipop stick crosses stuck in […]

Posted in: Goodnight, Humour, Twitter

Some Scenes from Everyday Life.

January 20, 2011


Posted in: Artwork, Humour

Goodnight VI

December 3, 2010


More valuable pieces in the map to the land of Nod. Goodnight… Don’t worry, it’ll be just like going to sleep. It’s commonly known that ghosts are primarily composed of sheets. It’s less known that most statues are over-starched ghosts. Sometimes a thing with a goat’s face is just a goat. If you’re getting less […]

Posted in: Goodnight, Humour, Twitter

Goodnight V

October 2, 2010


Yet another collection of the sign-offs that have eased so many troubled minds.   Goodnight… The last thing intruders will be expecting is a staircase completely smothered in butter. It could save your life. Lullabies are only calming when you know where they’re coming from. Achieving forced perspective effects with tapering hallways will convince an […]

Posted in: Uncategorized

Some Thoughts on Writing @CatBinLady.

September 3, 2010


  In late August, a middle-aged Coventry woman had a moment of madness and popped a friendly tabby into a wheelie bin, presumably expecting that it would go on to wear a waistcoat and form a gang replicating the exploits of Sergeant Bilko. The cat was discovered after it had spent fifteen hours failing to […]

Posted in: Uncategorized

Some Thoughts on Pretending to Swear on TV.

August 21, 2010


  A groundbreaking show is coming to television. It will be based on the Twitter account “Shit My Dad Says”, and will feature a straight-shooting old man, who isn’t afraid to say exactly what he thinks, and if that means swearing, then he just about blinking well will, the flipper. Unfortunately, the network isn’t happy […]

Posted in: Guides, Humour