A Guide to Dreams.

I recently had one of those dreams where you’re at school doing exams that you’re ill-prepared for. But it was worse, because the course was 70% continual assessment.

So I was there for two years.

In my pants.

This harrowing experience has lead me to believe that people need help to conquer their dreams, and become masters of their own subconscious. Therefore, I’ve compiled a guide that will have you well on your way to becoming an expert on dreams like me.

Dreams are caused by the brain discarding acquired knowledge and creative thought to make more room for soaps and reality TV.

Most dreams occur during a period called “Rapid Bowel Movement”. This is why most normal people sleep on plastic sheeting.

People don’t always sleep in beds though. Many experience their best dreams while sleeping in a car or coach. If you’re going to try this though, you may want to pull over first, or at the very least pick a long straight stretch of road.

If a friend tells you they have landed a “dream job”, it doesn’t necessarily mean the job is a figment of their imagination. Humour them. Keep in mind however that jobs are not the stuff of dreams, but rather of nightmares. Within weeks your friend will be telling you that their boss is a sadistic monster. This will be explained in more detail in a later guide on employment.

Our American cousins have a special dream of their own, called The American Dream; it’s about big cars and bright lights. And explosions. Also robots.

Some people can fly in their dreams, but you may find that by the time you’ve checked your baggage, waited around at the departure board and then been through customs with all the extra security checks they have these days, it’s generally time to wake up.

Some say that dreams can foretell the future; this is especially true of dreams involving hovercars and ape overlords.

Dreams can also have hidden meanings. If all your teeth fall out suddenly, you may dream of being able to bite stuff. When asleep however, things can be harder to interpret. You may find it easiest to work backward from actual things that happen, and look for tenuous links to things in your dreamscape.

Most dream in their own tongue, but some have subtitled foreign language dreams, from which they awake with an odd feeling of superiority.

The ultimate mastery of dreams involves something known as ‘lucid dreaming’. There are two steps here. Firstly, you need to be aware that you are dreaming. If you inhabit a fantastical dreamworld full of mythical creatures then this should be relatively straightforward, unless your actual life is like that too, in which case simply stay awake. If however you dream about everyday mundanities such as going to the office, you will need an anchor in the real world to remind your brain that you are still sleeping. The best option here is to have thrash metal playing on a loop, as loud as your stereo will go, throughout your nightly slumber.
Now that you are aware of your dream state, step two is to take control. It helps to establish a number of familiar and comfortable environments borrowed from the real world, and create linking doors between them. Now you will be able to escape from all the goblins your diseased mind conjures up. Because no matter how much control you exert over your dreams; that attractive person you saw in the park today, the one that definitely looked your way and smiled straight down the lens of your binoculars? They will not be there.