A Guide to Relationships.

Last night, one of the most popular trends on Twitter was the #relationshiptips hashtag.

‘Good’, I thought, ‘surely much wisdom will be imparted here.’

But no. 90% of the tweets therein were along the lines of ‘bitches always be illin in my face’ or ‘keep God first’.

‘No’, I thought, ‘that’s not helpful enough for all the tortured souls out there.’

With that in mind, I set about creating a comprehensive set of knowledge bullets that would change and improve the way people interact romantically forever. I succeeded, and I don’t think it’s overstating matters to claim that society is very different today, and that we all now live in a world where hearts can grow and intertwine without fear or embarrassment.

Because I want to help the maximum number of people possible, I now reproduce these information parcels here, for the desperate few who somehow missed them by concentrating too hard on Eurovision or something. And because I can’t help giving, there are a few extra romantic factlets included.

Happy loving, everybody.

The most important word in a relationship? Trust. Without this, you’ll never get anywhere near Mark Owen’s total.

When seeing a new partner naked for the 1st time, avoid phrases like ‘unusual case’ or ‘field study’.

Go somewhere nice for important anniversaries. The time apart will help keep things fresh.

Bring your partner cute gifts from time to time. e.g. Toilet Duck

Role play can help keep things sparky. After all, who would leave an 11th level Wizard with 18 charisma?

The element of surprise is vital to the longevity of a relationship. Don’t always hide in the same tree.

Dressing up once in a while can’t hurt. A mask can avoid problems later on, too.

Build the cellar somewhere *away* from the main property.

Your partner will appreciate the effort if you redecorate when they move in. Egg boxes make for an excellent soundproof wall covering, and a stylish talking point.

Treat your partner to a meal occasionally. Without sustenance, they will perish.

Bring your partner flowers. Not whole plants though – nothing that can be fashioned into a weapon.

Maintain eye contact when talking to your partner. With your finger in their eye, you’ve got their attention.

Never go to bed on an argument; sleep deprivation is a powerful tool in bringing your partner around to your way of thinking.

Most people value humour very highly in a relationship. Laugh at your partner whenever possible. And point.

Try to notice the little things; failing to spot that a piece of cutlery is missing from the tray could cost you an eye.

Avoid phrases like ‘ball and chain’. People are probably already asking questions in that general area.

Keep your partner informed about how awful the world is outside the house. The Daily Mail can help here.

Your partner craves security; ensure your partner is secured before leaving the property.

Toughened safety glass lets through all the sunshine your partner requires to produce vitamin D.

Explore your partner’s body. Assuming that you are the survivor.

People don’t like to talk about exes. Avoid these confrontations by always disposing of previous partners correctly.