Goodnight IX : Goodneighbour.

Posted on April 18, 2011


More important information about blending with the community.


  • Get out of watering a neighbour’s houseplants by muttering things like “yeah, I’ll water them alright” and laughing to yourself. In fact, agreeing to do someone a favour in an unsettling sardonic tone will get you out of almost any task; try it next time someone asks you to watch their kids.
  • Prevent neighbours from making you remove your shoes in their houses by wearing filthy socks and tattooing swearing on your feet.
  • React to neighbours making you remove your shoes when you visit by installing a walk-through anti-verruca footbath in your porch.
  • Think ahead. Laying claim to a history of somnambulism now may make explaining your presence in a neighbour’s hedge easier later.
  • Make money from neighbours as a middleman by hiking the prices on pizza delivery menus and altering the phone number to your own.
  • Convince someone they’re having blackouts by starting sentences with “I said” & changing seats/clothes when they aren’t looking.
  • Try telling new neighbours you’ve just come to collect some things you’d lent the old neighbours, such as the bulbs, or carpets.
  • When you move somewhere new, wear a mask. Adopting one later when everyone’s already seen your face will seem a mere affectation.
  • Convince your neighbour that they have invited you to tea by sitting and repeatedly saying “this is extraordinarily kind of you”.
  • A fun thing is to furtively add yourself into the children’s family drawings on your neighbours’ refrigerators.
  • If your neighbour isn’t outside to hear your cry of “gardez l’eau” as you empty your chamber pot into their garden, phone them.
  • Appear more interested at your coffee mornings by shaving your eyebrows off and drawing them back on further up your forehead.
  • Before you retire, go to your neighbour and ask them if they heard the odd noise. If they say no, make the noise again.
  • Cat collars make a stylish alternative to friendship bracelets, although your neighbours may assume them to be trophies.
  • When trying to ascertain the resonant frequency of your partner’s brain, keep track of the notes you’ve already shrieked at them.
  • “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands”. Appear content & well-adjusted with the neighbours by clapping continuously.
  • If a neighbour claims to be unable to recall how they obtained a possession when questioned, just say “interesting” & make notes.
  • Make your neighbour feel secure via the reassuring sight of you, stood in your garden, staring up at them whenever they look out.
  • Welcome new neighbours & sow seeds of lasting resentment by presenting T-Shirts to the whole family with your face printed on.
  • Gain unspoken fear and respect from your neighbours by silently mouthing the words “I know” every time you greet them.
  • An intruder calling card : “While you were in, we tried to burgle you. Please contact us to arrange a time when you will be out.”
  • Always check with your neighbour whether any of the things you found in their bins shouldn’t be discussed at neighbourhood watch.
  • Name your house after the number of a neighbour’s, in words. Then meet daily to exchange mail and laugh about the coincidence.
  • When visiting a neighbour for the 1st time, wait to be shown the toilet rather than asking if each new room they show you is it.
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