Posted on February 6, 2010


Today marks my first full year on Twitter. To mark this historic event, I’ve pulled out a little selection of non-sequiturs from those twelve months. Endure!

In the army, a workplace romance is known as tanky panky.

As good as Venus and Serena are, they will always live in the shadow of their grandfather, Tennisy Williams

Smell can be a powerful memory aid. So why not help a friend out by urinating on their study books?

Sesame Street originally launched during the depression as a docusoap. Oscar the Grouch used to be a doctor.

The British version of Sesame Street wasn’t a hit; noone took the “Biscuit Demon” to their heart.

36-40-70 : sexy vital statistics for a dalek.

Watching “Antiques Under the Hammer”. Wow, that carriage clock went *everywhere*!

The reason Elephant Man didn’t catch on is that they didn’t have a memorable supervillain in the first one.

Just reading an early draft of Alice in Wonderland. I can see why he replaced ‘The Mad Hater’.

Das Boot is a sub titled film.

We can now see that “2010: The Year We Make Contact” was laughably off with its predictions. Contact was released in 1997.

Most men are only after one thing at a time.

The Thing is only after most men.

I can convert any room into a panic room at a moment’s notice.

Internet (f) Externet (m)

I like the Thought Police. My favourite is “Don’t Even Think About Standing So Close to Me”.

Every snowflake is different. (‘different’ is a euphemism for ‘stupid’)

I save time at night by just thinking “some sheep”. Out like a light.

You are in a maze. There are exits North, South and West. There is a pill in front of you. #textonlypacman

I bought a First Person Shooter, but there’s only so many ways you can kill Mitochondrial Eve before it gets boring.

Started my screenplay about a ghostly drummer that makes a young couple’s lives hell. It’s called ‘Paradiddle Activity’.

Kylie pun obsession; I just can’t get ‘I just can’t get “I just can’t get you out of my head” out of my head’ out of my head.

A friend who is also your enemy is called “evil Chandler”.

Margaret Thatcher is a defenseless, frail old lady. Now’s our chance!

Popeye wouldn’t be so popular if people had met him and his darning needle in his younger days and seen how he got his name.

Where other murderers would only use a single revolver, Phil Spector would employ 3 to achieve his wall of sound.

This year I’ve got one of those “Choose Your Own Advent” calenders. Keep getting slaughtered by Herod’s men. Frustrating!

My favourite Station of the Cross is “Jesus falls for a third time”. Funny. Rule of 3

Molestation is the perfect place to keep your moles.

I hear they’re letting Crazy Frog out next week. There’s no way that guy’s cured!

Harvey will be amazing once they CGI the rabbit in.

You can be stuck talking to a Cenobyte forever if you let them get their hooks into you.

I’ve just seen the “Director’s Half Cut” version of The Passion of the Christ – far more antisemitic than the original.

Remember how in school in the 80s everyone took their O-Levels in their underwear? It all seems like a dream now.

After the harbinger comes the inevitable harpurger.

Posted in: Humour, Twitter