Saving the Greetings Industry : A Proposal.

This recently-unearthed transcript from a well-known TV programme shows how a group of young go-getters with strong business heads on their shoulders attempted to revitalize the British greetings industry. Unfortunately, the show in question was pulled at the last minute owing to the quantity of graphic language and intense battle violence, or who knows, we could have been out of this recession by now.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

The greetings industry has been taking a battering in recent years, amounting to several billion dollars worth of declining revenue from the formerly reliable banker, Valentine’s Day. Many in today’s society are now single by choice, and cards sporting blue teddy bears are lower among the priorities of regular folk. Essentially the stigma of not engaging in the whole sorry parade is no longer sufficiently shaming.

Therefore, a change of tack is required, and we’d like to thank Sir Alan for the opportunity to try and find that new direction for you. The greetings industry must diversify its portfolio with a new special day. That day will be May 14^th. And that day will be called “Not a Paedo^®” Day.

We are convinced that the general public will be very much on board with this one, and that “Not a Paedo^®” mugs, “Not a Paedo^®” mousemats and “Not a Paedo^®” T-shirts will be huge sellers. In fact, when one member of the focus group refused to put on their T-shirt, the others set upon him almost immediately, and security had to be sent in. Actually the only downside to this proposal (beyond the possibility that a few houses might get burnt down on the day) is that there does appear to be a saturation point for the products; later in the day, one of the focus group gathered a complete set of merchandising around himself and the others became intensely suspicious, accusing him of “over-compensating for something”. Again, security was sent in before any real damage was done.

In summation, “Not a Paedo^®” Day is a powerful concept that we believe can save your company, and we commend it to you, the board members. We’re sure you’ll all love it too. Unless any of you are nonces.

That’s our proposal. We will now take any questions.