Goodnight II

Posted on February 10, 2010


Here’s a fresh batch of Goodnight tweets. I’ve been a bit nocturnal lately, so many will have missed a lot of them.


Goodnight. With the introduction of ASCII to the modern seance, spirits now knock 89 times for ‘Y’ or 78 for ‘N’.

Goodnight. That unnerving heartbeat you can hear is almost certainly just yours. Echoing out of the wardrobe.

Goodnight. It would be absurd to check under your floorboards every night for “visitors”, but can you believe some people leave it weeks?

Goodnight. It’s unlikely that tree is moving closer to your window. What could it have against you anyway? Assuming you’ve never had it cut.

Goodnight. It’s rare for the skeleton to climb out through the mouth while one sleeps, but it’s so simple to tape it shut, why risk it?

Goodnight. Signs that your skeleton has been sneaking out at night include high toothpaste usage (they brush themselves prior to reentry).

Goodnight. In the event your errant skeleton fails to return before morning, you should take the day to reflect on the earlier tape advice.

Goodnight. Bear in mind during your Ouija session that the autocomplete dæmon will often make a complete nonsense of the orange massage.

Goodnight. It’s worth springing the extra cash for a ‘scientific’ Ouija board with the extra mathematical operators, just in case.

Goodnight. Remember, strange noises on the landing can’t hurt you. Only the thing that’s making them.

Goodnight. A tap at the window may draw your attention. When the tapping is coming from the mirror, fight that curiosity.

Goodnight. The Ouija toy has latterly fallen out of favour as old-fashioned. Most spirit contact is now conducted via Speak & Spell.

Goodnight. Ouija sessions often result in phone numbers. Don’t be fooled; hiss and distant cackling isn’t worth £1/min.

Goodnight. Having another go with the old Ouija. “IM.. BE.. HINDY.. OU..” What kind of language is that? Waste of time.

Goodnight. Nine times out of ten, the letters on the Ouija board are irrelevant, and they’re just drawing penises.

Goodnight. If you sit on your hand until it goes numb, it feels like someone else is moving the cursor on the Ouija board.

Goodnight. It’s rare that a poltergeist will attempt to feed you things as you sleep, but wearing a cycling mask is a harmless precaution.

Goodnight. You know when the cat stares straight past you into the corner, apparently at nothing? No harm in staying out of that corner.