Browsing All Posts filed under »Humour«

Some so-called jokes.

February 8, 2013


A few days ago, it was three years since my first Twitter anniversary. To mark this highly significant date, here are some lies and off-colour remarks from that period. Endure. Jay-Z will always live in the shadow of his brother A, author of the best-selling ‘London’. Pharoah to hieroglyphist: “There’s no eye in team.” When […]

Bedtime Stories : Creative Drawing

April 2, 2012


My name is Judith Palmer and I don’t regret anything I’ve done. I have taught at St. Agnes Primary School for three years, and I have no intention of leaving. After this term, Jordan will no longer be in my class, and it won’t seem so strange then. When his father asks me to marry […]

Coping with Christmas.

December 1, 2011


Now that Advent is upon us, here are some valuable tips to help you to get through this difficult period. A neighbour’s Christmas card is a good way of planting their DNA at the scene of a crime, but always remember to cross your name out. It’s considered bad luck to set fire to your […]

Goodnight X: Goodneighbour II – Goodneighbourer.

May 26, 2011


More simple suggestions on how to seem more like those around you.   When the new neighbours move in, give them a missing dog poster with a picture of a local dog you like. See if they can get it. Instead of “first pet” and “mother’s maiden name” banking security questions should be based on […]

Some Thoughts on Books.

May 13, 2011


    The problem with bookshops is that nobody in them is the least bit impressed that you are buying a book. In this day and age, the purchase of literature should prompt onlookers to drop what they are doing and spontaneously applaud. At the very least, a small interview in the local paper should […]

Goodnight IX : Goodneighbour.

April 18, 2011


More important information about blending with the community.   Get out of watering a neighbour’s houseplants by muttering things like “yeah, I’ll water them alright” and laughing to yourself. In fact, agreeing to do someone a favour in an unsettling sardonic tone will get you out of almost any task; try it next time someone […]

Goodnight VIII

March 14, 2011


More advice from the small hours. It’s mostly about how to be a great neighbour.     When popping unwanted food through your neighbour’s door with a note saying “I couldn’t finish this”, remember to bag it first. An unsigned note through your neighbours’ doors reading “I want it back by midnight” will reveal who […]

Goodnight VII

February 14, 2011


More important lifestyle advice normally imparted at times when only Atlanteans are awake.     Goodnight… Put a Valentine card to yourself through a neighbour’s door. When they bring it round, ignore their denials that it’s from them. Avoid being asked to look after neighbours’ pets by simply having forty or fifty lollipop stick crosses stuck in […]

Some Scenes from Everyday Life.

January 20, 2011


Goodnight VI

December 3, 2010


More valuable pieces in the map to the land of Nod. Goodnight… Don’t worry, it’ll be just like going to sleep. It’s commonly known that ghosts are primarily composed of sheets. It’s less known that most statues are over-starched ghosts. Sometimes a thing with a goat’s face is just a goat. If you’re getting less […]

Some Thoughts on Pretending to Swear on TV.

August 21, 2010


  A groundbreaking show is coming to television. It will be based on the Twitter account “Shit My Dad Says”, and will feature a straight-shooting old man, who isn’t afraid to say exactly what he thinks, and if that means swearing, then he just about blinking well will, the flipper. Unfortunately, the network isn’t happy […]

Some Thoughts on Dreamcatchers.

August 16, 2010


A Dreamcatcher is a device designed to take away your dreams. In this sense it is much like a spouse, or permanent employment. Dreamcatchers tend to be assembled from willow hoops within which are woven webs akin to those of a spider, often made from sinew or nettle fibre. They are designed in this fashion […]

Some Thoughts on Clothed Ghosts.

August 14, 2010


  If the vast majority of witnesses to phantasmal visitations are to be believed, ghosts wear clothes. That’s just an accepted fact. It is of course possible that as many people are seeing nude ghosts, and deciding for whatever reason not to tell anyone, but it’s fully decent spectres that get all the publicity. This […]

Bedtime Stories : Business as Usual – Part One

August 9, 2010


  “Ian, close the door, would you?” Ray had decided no-one else was going to turn up. He swung his legs onto the oval table as Ian reached back to push the meeting room door shut. The other attendees were all sat in chairs, but Ray considered that his senior position in the company behooved […]

Goodnight IV

July 29, 2010


More of the advice that has helped so many go to their rest. Goodnight… Painting crowds of people in silhouette on every wall in the house would probably frighten and confuse intruders. No downside. Yes, that was just a shadow you glimpsed earlier. No, it wasn’t yours. The moths probably won’t release enough dust to […]

Goodnight III

June 25, 2010


Literally people have been asking for a fresh compilation of night-time well-wishings. Such a thing now exists, and indeed follows.     Goodnight… Earwigs make for unpleasant bedfellows, but they are as nothing to the mouthmoth and the eyespider. The feeling you have of being watched actually stems from the millions of tiny bugs currently […]