Browsing All Posts filed under »Twitter«

Some so-called jokes.

February 8, 2013


A few days ago, it was three years since my first Twitter anniversary. To mark this highly significant date, here are some lies and off-colour remarks from that period. Endure. Jay-Z will always live in the shadow of his brother A, author of the best-selling ‘London’. Pharoah to hieroglyphist: “There’s no eye in team.” When […]

Goodnight X: Goodneighbour II – Goodneighbourer.

May 26, 2011


More simple suggestions on how to seem more like those around you.   When the new neighbours move in, give them a missing dog poster with a picture of a local dog you like. See if they can get it. Instead of “first pet” and “mother’s maiden name” banking security questions should be based on […]

Goodnight IX : Goodneighbour.

April 18, 2011


More important information about blending with the community.   Get out of watering a neighbour’s houseplants by muttering things like “yeah, I’ll water them alright” and laughing to yourself. In fact, agreeing to do someone a favour in an unsettling sardonic tone will get you out of almost any task; try it next time someone […]

Goodnight VIII

March 14, 2011


More advice from the small hours. It’s mostly about how to be a great neighbour.     When popping unwanted food through your neighbour’s door with a note saying “I couldn’t finish this”, remember to bag it first. An unsigned note through your neighbours’ doors reading “I want it back by midnight” will reveal who […]

Goodnight VII

February 14, 2011


More important lifestyle advice normally imparted at times when only Atlanteans are awake.     Goodnight… Put a Valentine card to yourself through a neighbour’s door. When they bring it round, ignore their denials that it’s from them. Avoid being asked to look after neighbours’ pets by simply having forty or fifty lollipop stick crosses stuck in […]

Goodnight VI

December 3, 2010


More valuable pieces in the map to the land of Nod. Goodnight… Don’t worry, it’ll be just like going to sleep. It’s commonly known that ghosts are primarily composed of sheets. It’s less known that most statues are over-starched ghosts. Sometimes a thing with a goat’s face is just a goat. If you’re getting less […]

Goodnight IV

July 29, 2010


More of the advice that has helped so many go to their rest. Goodnight… Painting crowds of people in silhouette on every wall in the house would probably frighten and confuse intruders. No downside. Yes, that was just a shadow you glimpsed earlier. No, it wasn’t yours. The moths probably won’t release enough dust to […]

Goodnight III

June 25, 2010


Literally people have been asking for a fresh compilation of night-time well-wishings. Such a thing now exists, and indeed follows.     Goodnight… Earwigs make for unpleasant bedfellows, but they are as nothing to the mouthmoth and the eyespider. The feeling you have of being watched actually stems from the millions of tiny bugs currently […]

The Rise of Mighty Cleggron.

May 12, 2010


A Guide to Relationships.

March 13, 2010


Last night, one of the most popular trends on Twitter was the #relationshiptips hashtag. ‘Good’, I thought, ‘surely much wisdom will be imparted here.’ But no. 90% of the tweets therein were along the lines of ‘bitches always be illin in my face’ or ‘keep God first’. ‘No’, I thought, ‘that’s not helpful enough for […]

Goodnight II

February 10, 2010


Here’s a fresh batch of Goodnight tweets. I’ve been a bit nocturnal lately, so many will have missed a lot of them. “Grr…Argh.” Goodnight. With the introduction of ASCII to the modern seance, spirits now knock 89 times for ‘Y’ or 78 for ‘N’. Goodnight. That unnerving heartbeat you can hear is almost certainly just […]


February 6, 2010


Today marks my first full year on Twitter. To mark this historic event, I’ve pulled out a little selection of non-sequiturs from those twelve months. Endure! In the army, a workplace romance is known as tanky panky. As good as Venus and Serena are, they will always live in the shadow of their grandfather, Tennisy […]


January 22, 2010


Welcome. In my time on Twitter, I’ve made one rod for my back; the Goodnight tweet. I get a lot of feedback on these sign-offs, mostly from insomniacs, and as a consequence I lose sleep myself each night trying to think of something new to say (they mostly come at night. Mostly). The first thing […]