Goodnight VII

Posted on February 14, 2011


More important lifestyle advice normally imparted at times when only Atlanteans are awake.




  • Put a Valentine card to yourself through a neighbour’s door. When they bring it round, ignore their denials that it’s from them.
  • Avoid being asked to look after neighbours’ pets by simply having forty or fifty lollipop stick crosses stuck in your front lawn.
  • In case of sleep injury, bandage yourself from head to toe now and simply remove dressings from undamaged areas in the morning.
  • Give a stranger a sense of unease by congratulating them on how brave you think they are and walking away shaking your head.
  • Give the gift of apprehension by telling someone you dreamt about them and you’re glad they’re alright. Refuse to go into it.
  • Ask a neighbour to water your houseplants for a week and then stay home. See how long they abide by their commitments.
  • Enrich a stranger’s life by leaving a note under their windscreen wiper that reads “I know what you saw. Say nothing.”
  • Give the gift of mystery; send someone a list of names including theirs, then ask for it back claiming it was posted in error.
  • Always keep a daily record of your neighbour’s movements for comparison with your own in the event they report you for snooping.
  • Very few intruders work in gangs communicating via skilled bird impressions à la the late Percy Edwards. It may well be birdsong.
  • If you long to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet, simply stay still long enough to convince the cockroaches that you’re asleep.
  • The one thing worse than discovering someone has been reading your diary is realising someone has been writing it.
  • When you’re marking the boundaries of your territory, it’s considered more civilised these days to use a pre-filled bottle.
  • Is it better to receive a thousand yard stare from your postman, or a thousand one yard stares?
  • Many intruders are attracted to milk delivery by the good cover for glass noises and the silent vehicle.
  • Look out for signs of product placement and political bias in tonight’s dream.
  • The postman always knocks twice, which makes him a very negative contact in a seance.
  • You’d better hope your contractor has a speech impediment if they tell you that your building has writhing damp.
  • If you leave a note for extra pints, and it’s the same number the milkman is thinking of, it’s all free. Hint: it’s a big number.
  • If you’re boring people with your dreams, tell them the events are from books. They’ll admire your ability to read boring books.
  • Convince your partner you have the superior dreams by learning to sleep with one eyebrow quizzically raised (you could use tape).
  • See if your postman is reading your mail by asking him things only you could know (this could also show he is writing the mail).
  • Address a letter to the postman and stick it to the door occasionally. Every unrequited envelope he posts feeds his resentment.
  • Remember to leave a note for the milkman. That small human connection may just prevent him from snapping again.
  • If you find yourself in someone else’s dream, why not try a clown mask. Have fun with it.
  • If you plan to commit crimes during your dream, try to sleep in front of several witnesses for a solid alibi.
  • If we all will it hard enough, we can unbend all the spoons riveted to Uri Geller’s car.
  • Any qualifications you may obtain during your dream should immediately go on your C.V.
  • Remember, anything you purchase in your dream is tax-deductible. Keep the receipts.
  • Report any crimes you witness in your dream, on the offchance that you may be psychic. The police will appreciate the effort.
  • Try to keep track of any copyrighted music or images that may appear in your dream to be prepared for itemised billing to come.
  • Leaving all the TVs and radios in the house running will avoid you being woken up by it turning them on.
  • Reassure your neighbours that they don’t need to worry about you by bellowing “I’M ALRIGHT” every hour, on the hour.
  • Try to keep your scrapbook up to date with all your latest clippings. You never know when a toenail expert will come calling.
  • The problem with stockpiling urine in bottles like Howard Hughes is gauging the point at which supply outstrips demand.
  • Toilet seats are always cold due to the proximity of the unquiet spirits of dead germs. And ghost poo.
  • Tests show toilet seats to contain fewer germs than chopping boards, yet counter-intuitively, reversing their roles helps nobody.
  • If bored watching the night’s security footage every day, why not swap tapes with a friend (There may be security implications).
  • Scented candles can be used in a home protection spell when thrust up the nostrils of an intruder.
  • Essential oils can easily form a part of your security regime, when applied directly to the eyes of an intruder.
  • The average human eats a pound of insects a year. Why not make it your resolution to stop, and just leave them in the uplighter.
  • If your living room floor is covered in needles this xmas, you should consider getting help.
  • It’s considered bad luck to burn down your xmas tree indoors.
  • A cheap time-saving alternative to wrapping presents individually is to simply wrap the recipient’s head.
  • Homemade presents are all well and good until someone starts using their own hair.
  • If you give a gift token, you’re telling the recipient you don’t trust them with real money.
  • When writing xmas cards for all your neighbours, always include the postscript ‘I know it was you’.
  • Sewerage workers can hear everything that happens in your bathroom. It’s polite to shout encouragement to them when you flush.
  • A photo of your partner’s toothbrush in the toilet bowl taken now will make a wonderful parting gift when things go sour.
  • Try not to dream about losing teeth, but if you must, at least make sure they’re not yours.
  • For most candle spells, you can substitute an anglepoise lamp if no candle is available. You’ll still require the altar though.
  • Poltergeists are the original programming to a restligeist’s endless repeats. Either offers full 3D without the need for glasses.
  • Imagine not being able to see or hear what’s going on around you, or even to move voluntarily. Let’s all try it for a few hours.


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