Goodnight.

Welcome. In my time on Twitter, I’ve made one rod for my back; the Goodnight tweet. I get a lot of feedback on these sign-offs, mostly from insomniacs, and as a consequence I lose sleep myself each night trying to think of something new to say (they mostly come at night. Mostly). The first thing that was requested for this blog was a Goodnight compilation, so that’s what follows, in roughly reverse-chronological order.

Goodnight. It’s not good to answer the call of nature at this time of night. It’s likely to be one of the larger, angrier animals.

Goodnight. Remember, there’s nothing in the darkness that wasn’t already there when the light was on. Waiting.

Goodnight. Vampires may attempt to enter your property in gas form, so check for irregularities in your next statement.

Goodnight. Could be years before the spiders realise they can catch us by working together on one big doorway web. Not worth worrying about.

Goodnight. Ectoplasm can get through narrow gaps, but it only takes a few minutes to seal yourself safely into the room with gaffer tape.

Goodnight. With WD40, the rattling of that door handle needn’t wake you. So you won’t even hear the thumping and scraping.

Goodnight. Very few poltergeists are stranglers, but it only takes a few minutes to lock away all shoelaces, belts, flexes etc. and be safe.

Goodnight. Be careful of your path in the morning, it’s still very slippery. Oh, and mind that glass too.

Goodnight. To help me get to sleep, I always like to drift off to a recording of the voices from the previous night.

Goodnight. Spiders don’t move around much in cold weather. This brings many tinnitus sufferers some much-needed relief.

Goodnight. It’s funny how some things can be charming at 2pm, but chilling at 2am. Like the sound of a child singing.

Goodnight. Remember, if you wake up with the sheet wrapped round your neck, that’s just something giving you a special hug.

Goodnight. Best keep the heat on overnight. Nobody wants to wake up to a burst poltergeist.

Goodnight. The freezing point for ectoplasm is -17. You may have trouble opening your bedroom door in the morning.

Goodnight. Did you know you have a missing tile? Very draughty.

Goodnight. In this cold weather, spare a thought for those less fortunate and more up a tree in your garden than yourself.

Goodnight. Everyone knows that evil has been piped nationwide since the 80s, but would you know where your stopcock was?

Goodnight. Would you prefer a thousand regular spiders, or one massive one? Mull it over, it’ll take some arranging anyway.

Goodnight. People who take down their decorations before 12th night are only 60% more likely to be visited by ‘them’. Don’t worry about it.

Goodnight. Don’t pay any attention to what’s been written in the ice on your car. Oh, and it’s on the inside, so use the rubber scraper.

Goodnight. Remember, Xmas trees cause a lot of household fires at this time of year. Especially the possessed ones.

Goodnight. Old Father Time is vanquished. Look out for a giggling, floaty, new year baby though. Don’t look him in the eye.

Goodnight. Beware of the spirit known as Old Father Time tomorrow. He’ll be seeking to take as many with him as he can.

Goodnight. The people in your porch are likely sheltering from the sleet. And that moaning is probably from the top 10, I shouldn’t wonder.

Goodnight. Sometimes poltergeists will mess with the clock so it’s suddenly 3:20.

Goodnight. Poltergeist activity around cat owners often involves phantom urination. You may want to let the tree dry before turning it on.

Goodnight. Boxing Day is over now. Close all the boxes before ‘they’ get out again. It may not be too late if you hurry.

Goodnight. Leaving wrapping paper detritus all over the house will make it easier to hear ‘them’ during the night.

Goodnight. Don’t be alarmed by noises downstairs early in the morning. Unless it’s deep booming laughter.

Goodnight early nighters. You should have no problem with demon impostors as you’ll doubtless have fitted the correct chimney Santa filter.

Goodnight. Poltergeists hardly ever use tinsel as a strangulation tool.

Goodnight. Spirits like to leave ectoplasm under the tree, but are seldom thanked for it. Apart from that one year Silly Putty was popular.

Goodnight. In this weather, the haunted corner may seem the warmest place in the house. The constant mumbling is a big trade-off though.

Goodnight. This snow really shows up all the footprints in your front garden. Weird how they stop at the window like that.

Goodnight. Less butter than you thought in the fridge this morning? Poltergeist. Ectoplasm doesn’t come from nowhere.

Goodnight. Loud crashing sounds are common in a house that age. No need to get up. Also TVs fall over all the time.

Goodnight. Spontaneous bruising is common in hauntings involving drunks. The victims also often complain of headaches.

Goodnight. That breathing noise coming from the corner sounds asthmatic. You should be able to outrun whatever it is easily.

Goodnight. Laughter is the best medicine. Even if it IS coming from the attic.

Goodnight. Attempts by spirits to pull teeth during the night are often mistaken for radio being picked up on fillings.

Goodnight. The thing about foxes is, their calls can sound a lot like human voices. Chanting your name. In your garden.

Goodnight. Another thing foxes are apt to do is simultaneously to knock on all your doors & windows. The furry tricksters.

Goodnight. Foxes also often daub slogans such as LEAVE MY HOUSE PIGS in blood on your interior walls. The wily rascals.

Goodnight. Greedy foxes don’t just take what they need from your waste. They’ll empty your entire bin once a week. Biweekly in some areas.

Goodnight. Don’t worry about the spiral over Norway. Worry about the mysterious lights flickering under the bedroom door.

Goodnight. Most so-called encounters with celebrities via Ouija board or seance are actually crank calls. Don’t fall for them.

Goodnight. Spirits often leave messages behind photos and paintings. Don’t check now; these things are easier to laugh off in the daylight.

Goodnight. Life’s full of choices; try to sleep with the light on, or try to sleep through the whispering.

Goodnight. Don’t worry about the nervous laughter from the spare room. Worry about the confident laughter from the hall.

Goodnight. Are all those guys outside architects? They’ve been staring at your building for ages. They must like it, judging by the drool.

Goodnight. Poltergeitsts aren’t very good at chess. Also, they’re bad losers; don’t use the best set.

Goodnight. Many poltergeists think Knockout Ginger is funny. Don’t rise to the bait when the thumping on the door starts.

Goodnight. Shroud-wearing ghosts can’t see where they’re going, so try to keep walkways clutter-free for a quiet night.

Goodnight. The rattling coming from the cutlery drawer downstairs is probably an OCD poltergeist sorting spoons from forks.

Goodnight. Some advent calendars may be haunted. The advice is to have holy water on hand when opening the Dec 13 window.

Goodnight. You can listen to the spirit world on a detuned radio. They talk a lot about cabs; they mean Hansom cabs.

Goodnight. Got a corner noone will sit in owing to a cold, malevolent aura? That’s an ideal Xmas tree location!

Goodnight. If you’ve never seen a moving shadow in your peripheral vision when tired, you’re probably demon-free. Congrats!

Goodnight. If you hear an odd rattling in the pipes tonight, maybe next time you’ll remember to put them back in the rack.

Goodnight. 88% of all ghosts are Victorians, so for heaven’s sake cover those provocative table legs.

Goodnight. Remember, there are no domestic spiders in the UK larger than the human mouth.

Goodnight. Avoid electronic Ouija boards; once a spirit gets into the mains ring you’ll be replacing bulbs 24/7.

Goodnight. During a Ouija session, spirits will often misspell all the same words that you have trouble with, in solidarity.

Goodnight. Breathing sounds are common in a house of that age, so don’t worry. Also threatening sentences, very common.

Goodnight. Treat poltergeists as you would any other frustrated juggler; with fear and derision. And holy water.

Goodnight. That’s the wind making your tiles rattle. There’s no one up here. Up there. I meant up there.

Goodnight. If you watch 3D TV through 70s-style X-Ray Specs, you can see skeletons in your living room.

Goodnight. If a poltergeist gets into your pipes and your radiators are bleeding, call Padre Pirelli, the plumbing priest.

Goodnight. When using your ouija board, beware of ‘chatty’ spirits; remember the conversation’s costing you a week a minute.

Goodnight. ‘Settling’ staircase creaks are often caused by OCD poltergeists counting & recounting the steps.

Goodnight. There’s a notoriously high incidence of OCD in poltergeists, so please straighten your pictures before bed.

Goodnight. Avoid purchasing the hats of deceased celebrities in online auctions; apparently they come after them.

Goodnight. Why would you put a rocking chair in the attic in the 1st place, if you’re going to freak every time it creaks?

Goodnight. Don’t forget to pinch yourself to make sure you’re dreaming.

Goodnight. Most “cold calls” are the unquiet voices of the long-dead, trapped in this realm until someone claims the luxury holiday.

Goodnight. You know that light? The one that keeps going in the kitchen? That’s where ‘they’ planted ‘the device’.

Goodnight. Be ready to throw salt over your left shoulder when I tweet NOW.

Goodnight. Don’t worry, you didn’t feel breath on the back of your neck. I assure you, what’s behind you doesn’t breathe.

Goodnight. Don’t worry, there’s noone in your attic. That sound’s nothing but the rapid movement of a few hundred spiders.

Goodnight. I’d advise keeping your feet under the duvet. Just because it’s cold. Nothing’s likely to grab them. Probably.

Goodnight. Don’t bother trying to clean all those fingerprints off the bedroom mirror; they’re not on the outside.

Goodnight. Don’t worry about the shadow that’s just slid past your window. Worry about the stationary one, in the middle.

Goodnight. “Which came first: the chicken or the egg?” is a question cops often find themselves asking of scared householders at Halloween.

Goodnight. I hate the looks you get at Halloween just ‘cos you only have apples and razor blades in your shopping basket.

Goodnight. If the kids start throwing eggs at the windows this Halloween, my advice is to just let them out.

Goodnight. The good news is, there’s nothing evil outside, desperate to get into your house. The bad news relates to why.

Goodnight. When holding a seance, be prepared for the statistical likelihood of contacting non-English-speakers all night.

Goodnight. Never play chess on a Ouija board. Spirits rarely grasp en passant, and in the ensuing argument, things get thrown.

Goodnight. The past is leaky, so check all your photos for interlopers. Anyone you don’t recognise is a suspect.

Goodnight. In the unlikely event of Spontaneous Human Combustion occurring tonight, please live tweet. For science!

Goodnight. Like fingerprints, no two strings of ectoplasm are the same. That’s how they caught the Amityville Horror.

Goodnight. Never use your Ouija board as a mousemat; you’ll be clicking the wrong menu options all day long.

Goodnight. When constructing a golem, don’t forget the marbles for his eyes. Otherwise he’s just a flailing machine.

You want to be crushing your enemies, not making a rod for your own back!

Don’t forget to make a rod for your golem’s back though.

Goodnight. Once your golem has crushed your enemies, dispose of him in the kiln. Resist any “you’re fired” jokes.

Goodnight. When you return to the kiln to smash your now baked golem, remember those aren’t tears, just melted marbles.

Goodnight. Funny how unfamiliar Scrabble boards seem when you come back later. Hmm. Isn’t GETOUTOFMYHOUSE multiple words?

Goodnight. If horror has taught us anything, it’s that the 2nd time you close the bathroom cabinet a family member will be stood behind you.

Goodnight. If a spirit claims to be called Britney on your Ouija board, say no to its offer of sexy scrying glass images.

Goodnight. Be patient with your Ouija board; if the spirit died more than a century ago they are probably illiterate.

Goodnight. There’s no way bed bugs can completely drain a human of blood while they sleep, so put that thought right out of your head.

Goodnight. What you *could* do is to hang a curtain over that mirror. Pure aesthetics. Nothing to do with stopping “them” coming through.

Goodnight. You know how birds leave images when they hit windows? Turns out rodents do too. Don’t open your curtains until it’s rained.

Goodnight. I enjoy cheesy horror, so I’ve just eaten The Brie of Frankenstein. Hope I don’t have nightmares.

Goodnight. Isn’t it annoying when the freezer hums like that at night? What the hell is that tune anyway?

Goodnight. Remember, as Halloween nears, not all the old women who spit at you in the street are as innocent as they look.

Goodnight. Ever found CLEAN ME written in dust in your house? That’s an unquiet spirit, begging for exorcism.

Goodnight. What it is about dolls that’s so creepy; the strange poses? the cold eyes? That they weren’t there yesterday?

Goodnight. I held a black mass tonight. I found it at the back of the fridge. Don’t worry, I washed my hands after.

Goodnight. Lank-haired Asian ghosts can’t crawl through LCD displays. You may want to upgrade that old CRT in the bedroom.

Goodnight. Capture ghost voices by leaving a tape running. And if they’ve been dead long enough, no copyright violations!

Goodnight. Very few ghosts rattle chains since the advent of the D-Lock. They will pop all your bubble wrap though.

Goodnight. If you’ve found no messages on windows/mirrors, check the soap; spirits like to reveal their favourite fruit…

Goodnight. Remember to breath on all glass surfaces in the morning in case you miss a vital message/noughts&crosses game from the beyond.

Goodnight. Fear not, there must be 100 ways an indentation in the shape of a head could spontaneously appear in a pillow.

Goodnight. The en suite was originally invented by Lord Roger Suite, the renowned psychopath, as an extra hiding place.

Goodnight. Remember, if you can’t spot who the homicidal killer is in any given hotel guest list, it’s probably you.

Goodnight. In haunted hotel now. No maze outside however.

Goodnight. Don’t worry about all the knives embedded in the wall. I’m sure the dishwasher’s just playing up.

Goodnight. Why are twins deemed a fantasy? They just stand in the corridor asking you to play with them forever. And ever.

Goodnight. You know, it takes a lot of guts to fill these boots. I can’t even remember why I started doing it now.

Goodnight. That strange knocking in the car was annoying. Now that it’s in the cupboard under the stairs it’s troubling.

Goodnight. This tweet is perfectly safe. As long as you read the antidote tomorrow night.

Goodnight. There comes a time when every chap looks in the mirror and sees an old man. Then the old man’s flesh & lower jaw drop off.

Goodnight. Lavender can really help you sleep. I’m sure that’s the only reason that guy’s lying in your garden.

Goodnight. Mr Moon is watching over you. Or the leader of whatever particular cult you belong to.

Goodnight. Don’t worry, the carpet’s not really moving. It’s just all the things underneath it.

Goodnight. Remember, ghosts are more scared of you than you are of them. Because they can see what’s sitting on your shoulders.

Goodnight. If you do hear whispers and footsteps in the house tonight, don’t worry; it’s unlikely to be the Happy Mondays.

Goodnight. Nothing to worry about, but there was a subliminal instruction hidden in this tweet, and it’s too late now; you can’t unread it.

Goodnight. Your remote control going missing is a good sign; less than 40% of “pranxter” poltergeists go on to become “smotherers”.

Goodnight. Snakes can get through the smallest cracks. You should probably leave your window ajar, but they’ll get out easily enough.

Goodnight. Lots of bats out there tonight. Nothing to fear, but I wonder why they’re round your house? And why have most of them got bats?

Goodnight. You’d be amazed how many moths there are on your front door right now! You’ll probably need pliers to get the pins out, mind.

Goodnight. Some things just dropped through your letterbox, but you can check those in the morning. Oh. Actually they’ve scuttled off now.

Goodnight. Yes, that was a big spider, but don’t worry, you won’t be seeing it again. You do not, however, want to see the one that ate it.

Goodnight. I’m sure those coathangers will settle in a minute, you know what they’re like. No sense disturbing them by opening the wardrobe.

Goodnight. I almost broke my neck just then. On an unrelated note, I don’t think your security light is working.

Goodnight. I can forgive the scampering sounds of what I’m sure are pigeons in the loft. It’s the giggling I don’t like.

Goodnight. I’m sure that’s just very long cat hair in the bath. And there’s likely an innocent explanation for all the teeth too.

Goodnight. Lights on; they can see you. Lights off; you can see them. Choices, choices.

Goodnight. Your neighbour must really like your tweets; you should see all the photos they have in their spare room.

Goodnight. You’re doubtless aware the previous owners called that “The Crying Room”. Silly. Their loss I’m sure that they never used it.

Goodnight. Annoying when they stand in front of the TV like that, isn’t it? Still, at least you can kind of see through them.

Goodnight. The noise from the hallway is unnerving, yes; but many people would love to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet.

Goodnight. Scooby Doo be damned; When I’m confronted by a spectre in the hallway, I’d sooner it’s a ghost than some freak in a sheet.

Goodnight. It’s rainy out there. I’m sure the only reason that guy’s under your car is for the shelter.

Goodnight. Remember, a lot of people go through this life without ever finding someone. In their hedge.

Goodnight. Tomorrow you should move the back door key; If I saw you put it in that drawer, the weirdo stood next to me probably did too.

Goodnight. It’s nice that those people outside are so concerned for you, asking each other if they think you’re asleep yet.

Goodnight. It’s a bit prying of those people to be staring in through your letterbox, but maybe they just don’t have a TV.

Goodnight. They say children should be seen and not heard. I’d say if anything, that’s worse. Especially floating like that.

Goodnight. Don’t worry, that’s not torchlight shining in your window; the moon’s just darting about a bit tonight.

Goodnight. There’re only a couple more people in the mirror than there are in the room; not worth taking the wardrobe back to the shop over.

Goodnight. It’s a little muggy tonight, but luckily it’s ice-cold over in that corner the breathing sounds are coming from.

Goodnight. I wouldn’t be too concerned about the cackling that seems to emanate from the spare room. I’d worry when the laughter stops.

Goodnight. I wish I could watch over all of you till morning, but I can only climb into one loft at a time. I’m not Santa.

Goodnight. I’m told the family who used to live here spent a lot of time in this room. Before they were eventually found and cut down.

Goodnight. And don’t lie there worrying about being hit by a Perseid; by the time they strike ground they’re barely bigger than camper vans.

Goodnight. Yes, that did sound like the front door slamming. Still, sounds like it’s shut now, anyway.

Goodnight. I’m sure it’s just coincidence that all the downstairs bulbs went at once like that. Unusual that they’re physically gone though.

Goodnight. Rest easy, the villagers are unlikely to come tonight. They must have daubed crosses on *dozens* of doors around town. Probably.

Goodnight. That scraping sound at the door is almost certainly just a cat. A big cat. Cats sometimes have metal hooks fitted, right?

Goodnight. The glass of water spookily appearing on the bedside cabinet is nice in a way. Unsure however about the set of teeth within.

Goodnight. I’m sure that’s just next door’s TV you can hear. Although they do seem to be saying your name *a lot*.

Goodnight. It’s a sign of great art when the eyes follow you round the room like that. If only that was a portrait rather than the window.

Goodnight.I’m sure that missing knife from the block in the kitchen will turn up in the morning.

Goodnight. It’s amazing how many spiders you eat while you’re asleep. Factoring in how much time and effort goes into catching them.

Goodnight. Don’t worry about checking the wardrobe; it’s common for older furniture to “clear it’s throat” at night.

Goodnight. Don’t worry about the scrawled notes that’ve been appearing in your bedside paperback. Think of them like tweets from the ether.

Goodnight. Oh. I see you hoovered up that circle of salt that was around the bed. No, that’s fine. I’m sure that’ll be OK.

Goodnight. Oh, that handle always rattles like that. Wedging a chair under it normally stops it. That can cause thumping sounds though.

Goodnight. I’m sure that corn dolly was hanging there when you moved in. I’ll admit the photo stapled to its head bears some resemblance…

Goodnight. Did look like red footprints stopping at the bedroom door, didn’t they? Probably just cat urine though. But on the handle too?

Goodnight. I’ll admit it’s unusual to find the kitchen furniture all stacked up like that, but at least it’s handy for mopping.

Goodnight. I know it *sounds* like someone whistling a song from the 40s in the attic, but I’m sure it’s just the pipes contracting.

Goodnight. Yes, that second door into your room has always been there. Don’t try to open it right now. It is not an exit.

Goodnight. Yes, those marks spontaneously appearing all over your body DO look like ancient runes, but it’s probably just a rash.

Goodnight. OK, so the fridge magnet letters rearranged themselves to say GET OUT LITTLE PIGS; the cat probably just brushed past them.

Goodnight. And it’s probably just because it’s a “hard water area” that your taps are running so red. And hairy.

Goodnight. And remember, the constant moaning sound in the hallway is a good thing; it means they haven’t smelt you yet.

Goodnight. Don’t worry that your reflection in the mirror has begun to grin and act independently; think of it as a big screen TV.

Goodnight. Don’t worry about the ever-increasing number of people stood silently staring up at the house- it’s just a fad like hula-hoops.

Goodnight. Don’t worry about the constant whispering whenever the light goes out, that’s just the house “settling”.

Goodnight. And don’t worry about that old TV that keeps turning back on despite not being plugged in. It’s probably just atmospherics.

Goodnight. Don’t worry about the scratching at the window, it’s just a vampire. Trying to get out.

Goodnight. Don’t worry about the writhing black mass on the carpet. It’s probably just a car backfiring outside.

Goodnight. Don’t worry about the strange pair of boots sticking out under the curtain; it’s almost certainly just the cat.

Goodnight. And don’t worry about the dripping red lettering appearing on the bedroom wall, it’s probably just pigeons outside.