Goodnight VI

More valuable pieces in the map to the land of Nod.

Goodnight…

• Don’t worry, it’ll be just like going to sleep.
• It’s commonly known that ghosts are primarily composed of sheets. It’s less known that most statues are over-starched ghosts.
• Sometimes a thing with a goat’s face is just a goat.
• If you’re getting less sleep than your partner, try emitting a short high-pitched shriek every minute until you drop off.
• A gently lavender-scented candle will help cleanse the room of the smell of burning candles.
• Many of the strange noises you’re hearing can be simply explained by loose cochlear hairs. Poltergeists love pulling those out.
• You can leave the light on all you want, but it’s not going to make that noise go away.
• Don’t forget to sellotape hairs across all your orifices so you can check in the morning for signs of entry.
• Excited that the new Ouija board update came out today, adding OHAI, LOL, ROFL and KTHXBAI to the traditional YES and NO.
• With a voice-activated recorder you can find out how many people talk in your sleep.
• The natural reabsorption of unejaculated sperm has the unfortunate consequence that nearly all men have haunted testicles.
• Dinosaur ghosts are rarely seen because there simply aren’t many white sheets large enough.
• Scientologists have a starburst cross very similar to that of the Rosicrucians. Be clear with vampires which one you’re holding.
• Jehovah’s Witnesses believe Christ died not on a cross, but an upright stake, so only need hold up a stick to scare off vampires.
• Keeping scalding holy water in a hot water bottle is a good way of hedging your bets in case your intruder isn’t a vampire.
• Don’t worry, it’s physically impossible to swallow your own tongue. Not in one piece, anyway.
• A powerful spell protecting you from your enemy can be cast by simply making a mojo bag containing the ground bones of your enemy
• For a simple candle protection spell, burn a candle next to the candle you wish to protect.
• For simple burglary protection, carve the full name of the person you don’t want to be burgled by on a black candle and burn it.
• It’s probably just the wind that keeps turning your security light on. And turning the back door handle.
• Scientists believe they are close to developing the dream recorder. Then you’ll be able to play Frere Jacques as you sleep.
• The ouija board is commonly a receptacle for anger, filth & deceit. In many ways it is a forerunner of the internet messageboard.
• When performing your restful sleep spell, remember to allow enough time for the full five hour chant.
• When you finish your nightly protection from fire spell, remember to put out all the candles properly.
• If you can’t sleep, just lie still with your eyes shut and think of mad stuff for six hours or so. No one will be any the wiser.
• Periodically waving into the darkness will make them think you can see them (this won’t work once you drop off).
• At Hallowe’en some wear white sheets. On Bonfire Night some burn things. In the week between these things shouldn’t be combined.
• In some parts of the world, the letterbox in your door is sold as a snake flap.
• Hosting your Hallowe’en parties in sub-zero temperatures makes it easier to tell undead crashers and costumed ‘breathers’ apart.
• Remember, the later you leave it to put your clocks back, the longer you make the third most evil day of the year.
• Try to preserve your modesty until you’re sure all the insects in the room are looking the other way.
• Leaving a lot of full milk bottles outside your neighbours’ front door will make your house far less prone to burglary tonight.
• Ensure your house seems occupied to burglars by loudly playing a recording of a blazing row all night, like your neighbours do.
• Via hydrolysis, holy water can be split into holy hydrogen and holy oxygen. Why not fill your home with anti-vampire gases.
• Impress your neighbours with how fulfulling your life is by cultivating a deep, booming laugh to use suddenly in the small hours.
• You can protect yourself from hair loss by preserving your head in amber. Make very sure you like the style first.
• There are parts of the world where the things that will likely crawl into your recumbent maw would be considered delicacies.
• Why not enrich your neighbours’ lives now by playing various self-improvement hypnosis tapes at maximum volume?
• Keep trying to find your trigger phrase, in case you’re really a sleeper agent. Say 50 random things to yourself before bed.
• Shouting “I know what you’re up to” through the wall to the neighbours will probably stop them doing whatever they were up to.
• If you want to wake at a specific hour, bang your head on the pillow that many times. Then set your alarm clock for that time.
• Cosmic ordering breaks down when people ask for the exact opposite things. You should try asking for that not to happen.
• You’re going to have to sit an exam during tonight’s dream, so you may want to revise before bed. And put some clothes on.
• Microwaves from mobile phone masts need not trouble you during the night if you mount your bed on a slowly rotating turntable.
• Your eyes will get tired watching dreams all night, so don’t forget to take a 10 minute break for every hour’s sleep.
• Writing things on your teeth will enable you to pass subliminal messages with a smile. Go get that promotion.
• Remember to put some money under your pillow so the tooth fairy doesn’t start pulling molars.
• Strapping a harmonica into your mouth will make your snoring far more enjoyable for your partner / neighbours.
• If you put the batteries into a torch the wrong way round, you can suck all the light out of a room.
• If you were truly afraid of the dark, you’d let out a little yelp every time you blinked.
• Don’t forget to count up all your possessions to ensure they don’t total the number of the beast. Or thirteen.
• Remember, knocking twice MEANS knocking twice.
• You’re unlikely to develop alien hand syndrome and strangle yourself in your sleep, but handcuffs are a sensible precaution.
• You’ll sleep easier if you familiarise yourself with all the noises your house makes; All the creaks, knocks, moans and cackles.
• Make sure your neighbours aren’t watching you by training a series of video cameras on their houses.
• Why not consider putting a window into that wall you share with the neighbours? They won’t object if they have nothing to hide.
• Investing in a water bed and filling it with holy water will render you almost impervious to vampire attacks.
• Now go towards the light. And turn it off.