Some Thoughts on Pretending to Swear on TV.

 

A groundbreaking show is coming to television. It will be based on the Twitter account “Shit My Dad Says”, and will feature a straight-shooting old man, who isn’t afraid to say exactly what he thinks, and if that means swearing, then he just about blinking well will, the flipper.

Unfortunately, the network isn’t happy with the title. It will now be called “Sh*t My Dad Says”. The show will star William Shatner. Shatner is rumoured to have already agreed to have his name changed by deed poll to “Bill Shitter” to help sell the show, but sadly no actually swearing will be permitted and the show can only be referred to on-air as “Bleep My Dad Says”. They’re actually going to say “Bleep”. Judging from the clips made available online, the closest to offensive language that the show’s content will come will be to include the word “hooker”. It’s believed that Shatner was chosen for the role because of his prior association with this word, having himself previously played a Hooker called T.J.

Shatner is probably best known, however, for his role as Captain James T Shirt.

Despite all the concessions to decency and holiness apparently reducing the show to a small child’s idea of Alf Garnett, the Parents Television Council remains sworn to campaign against the show with all its might.

So the most important lesson that can be learnt from all this, is that you can draw huge amounts of free publicity for a television show simply by placing  asterisks in its title and thereby provoking the moral majority to think of the worst possible words that the asterisks might be concealing. This way, your television company hasn’t been in any way profane, and right wing pressure groups are free to protest against their own filthy imaginations, drumming up massive interest in your offerings in the process.

With this in mind, here are some shows you can expect to be seeing in the autumn;

1. Who Wan*s to be a Millionaire?
2. Celebrity Mast*r****
3. Sp**ks
4. Nip/*uck
5. Mythb*st*r*
6. *ongs of Praise
7. Fraggle *ock
8. The Big *ang Theory
9. Last of the Summer W*n*
10. C*nt Co*k, W*n* Co*k

 You’ll all be watching. Don’t pretend you won’t.