More of the advice that has helped so many go to their rest. Goodnight… Painting crowds of people in silhouette on every wall in the house would probably frighten and confuse intruders. No downside. Yes, that was just a shadow you glimpsed earlier. No, it wasn’t yours. The moths probably won’t release enough dust to… [Read more…]
June 25, 2010
Literally people have been asking for a fresh compilation of night-time well-wishings. Such a thing now exists, and indeed follows. Goodnight… Earwigs make for unpleasant bedfellows, but they are as nothing to the mouthmoth and the eyespider. The feeling you have of being watched actually stems from the millions of tiny bugs currently… [Read more…]
April 9, 2010
The three men stood around the filing cabinet and stared at the contents of the narrow drawer Matheson had just pulled out; he with pride, the other two in quiet admiration. ‘That’s the lot. One year’s worth,’ Matheson beamed, ‘almost.’ Jones looked to Phillips and mouthed a silent ‘wow’ before turning back to Matheson. ‘So… [Read more…]
April 5, 2010
I recently had one of those dreams where you’re at school doing exams that you’re ill-prepared for. But it was worse, because the course was 70% continual assessment. So I was there for two years. In my pants. This harrowing experience has lead me to believe that people need help to conquer their dreams, and… [Read more…]
March 26, 2010
The train slid through the dark evening air as George sat cursing his phone battery. Another hour to go, and no electronic distractions from the boredom. In the darkness the window provided no more entertainment than a reflection of George’s own annoyed face. Looking around the carriage, he became aware of his solitary travelling companion;… [Read more…]
March 20, 2010
Trevor had been friends with Mister Pettifer ever since he’d first found him propped up on a bench in the park. His parents hadn’t been home at the time, so Trevor had performed the task of maneuvering Mister Pettifer into the go-kart and bringing him home alone. Trevor was big for his age, but this… [Read more…]
March 13, 2010
Last night, one of the most popular trends on Twitter was the #relationshiptips hashtag. ‘Good’, I thought, ‘surely much wisdom will be imparted here.’ But no. 90% of the tweets therein were along the lines of ‘bitches always be illin in my face’ or ‘keep God first’. ‘No’, I thought, ‘that’s not helpful enough for… [Read more…]
February 17, 2010
This recently-unearthed transcript from a well-known TV programme shows how a group of young go-getters with strong business heads on their shoulders attempted to revitalize the British greetings industry. Unfortunately, the show in question was pulled at the last minute owing to the quantity of graphic language and intense battle violence, or who knows, we… [Read more…]
February 10, 2010
Here’s a fresh batch of Goodnight tweets. I’ve been a bit nocturnal lately, so many will have missed a lot of them. “Grr…Argh.” Goodnight. With the introduction of ASCII to the modern seance, spirits now knock 89 times for ‘Y’ or 78 for ‘N’. Goodnight. That unnerving heartbeat you can hear is almost certainly just… [Read more…]
February 6, 2010
Today marks my first full year on Twitter. To mark this historic event, I’ve pulled out a little selection of non-sequiturs from those twelve months. Endure! In the army, a workplace romance is known as tanky panky. As good as Venus and Serena are, they will always live in the shadow of their grandfather, Tennisy… [Read more…]
January 25, 2010
Sometimes they let me have crayons, so I’ll put the odd drawing up occasionally to break things up a bit.
January 24, 2010
These days, Tony Blair blithely states that he went into Iraq simply because “it felt good, baby”, but back then it was a different story. His overwhelming fear then was one of nuclear ballistic robots, and the very real possibility that Saddam might already have possessed such nightmare tech in an imagined future reality. During… [Read more…]
January 22, 2010
Welcome. In my time on Twitter, I’ve made one rod for my back; the Goodnight tweet. I get a lot of feedback on these sign-offs, mostly from insomniacs, and as a consequence I lose sleep myself each night trying to think of something new to say (they mostly come at night. Mostly). The first thing… [Read more…]
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July 29, 2010
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