My name is Judith Palmer and I don’t regret anything I’ve done. I have taught at St. Agnes Primary School for three years, and I have no intention of leaving. After this term, Jordan will no longer be in my class, and it won’t seem so strange then. When his father asks me to marry him.

I still remember when I first saw Cleavon through the staff room window, at the school gates, collecting Jordan. I knew immediately that we were meant for each other. Cleavon Pigg, picking up little Jordan with seemingly no effort. And I mean literally picking him up, not just telling him to get in the car, although his car was also impressive. No, I mean Cleavon Pigg, the big, strong man, lifting his son into the evening air like he was no weight at all.

The next afternoon, I made sure I was out there on playground duty, waiting with the children for their parents to arrive. Waiting for Cleavon to arrive. We met, and it was like we’d known each other all our lives. We joked about the weather, and he thanked me when I told him I liked his car. He clearly valued my opinion. I admired the way he concentrated on the traffic as he pulled away, rather than returning my wave. Cleavon Pigg: the big, strong, funny, sensible man.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I idled away an hour that night trying out the signature ‘Judith Pigg’ for size, like a soppy schoolgirl.

I made a point of looking out for little Jordan’s arrival the next morning, but it turned out Cleavon didn’t do the morning run. Vanessa Pigg dropped Jordan off at school. Cleavon Pigg: the big, strong, funny, sensible, married man.

Vanessa was undeniably beautiful, in an obvious way, and I’m sure she was a very nice person deep down, but she had to go. Ideally, taking Jordan with her.

Every shoddy picture Jordan scrawled in my class seemed to be designed to taunt me; each one a portrait of familial bliss. Everyone was labelled. ‘Me’. ‘Mumy’. ‘Daddie’. All smiling faces. Even the sun, no matter how often I drew a thick red cross through it and wrote ‘NO’. And every misspelling seemingly engineered to make me correct it, to make me confirm the status of each member of the family unit. All stations filled, and no room for Judith.

And then it came to me. One evening, marking the day’s wastes of paper, it was suddenly obvious. Everything I needed was in front of me. I took a crayon to Jordan’s latest masterpiece and I drew an additional figure, as badly as I could, right next to ‘Mumy’. I joined their arms with a scribble, so that to all the world they were holding hands. And I wrote underneath the figure, in childish, rounded letters that aped Jordan’s own barely acceptable script, ‘Uther Daddie’. I rolled it up and popped an elastic band around it, and gave it to Jordan to take home the next day.

There were no fireworks right away, so I continued to add Uther Daddie to Jordan’s daubings for the next fortnight. Sometimes Uther Daddie would bring his car. Sometimes he was winking. Eventually, he was in the window of their house.

Just in time for Parents’ Evening.

Cleavon and Vanessa arrived together, and I was able to tell them with a straight face that they should both be proud of Jordan’s progress. Then I showed them several of his colourful, incriminating squiggles. They were all pinned up on the cork board in the classroom, these crayon portraits of dysfunction. Several of the other parents had already seen them and passed mumbled comment upon them, or suppressed a giggle. I looked as concerned as I could, while I asked Cleavon and Vanessa if they had any idea why Jordan might be crying during his art lessons. I never said he was crying, I only asked why he might be. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a liar. They exchanged awkward glances. I kept looking straight at them, so it would seem like an accident that while I was leaning against the wall, I was tapping my fingers on my latest work, my pièce de résistance. The drawing where I hadn’t added an extra figure at all. I had simply changed Daddie’s face to a wink and relabelled him as Uther Daddie.

Daddie not pictured.

Cleavon couldn’t stop looking at it. I felt awful to see him hurting so badly, but he needed to know what he was married to. Better for him to find out now, when she was only cheating on him in crayon. If she was like that in these drawings, imagine what she might do in real life? They said they’d talk to Jordan. They left long before the other parents, without even talking to Mr. Baxter. Which was a shame, because Mr. Baxter takes Jordan for Games, and has nothing but good things to say about him.

Jordan was visibly upset the next day. From what he told me, he hadn’t been able to answer many of his father’s questions beyond explaining that ‘Uther Daddie just appears when no one is looking’. He said his daddy had told him that none of this was his fault, and I agreed that was mostly true.

Vanessa picks Jordan up from school now. I sometimes try to talk to her, but she always seems to be in a tremendous hurry. It must be difficult to do both school runs every day, and hold down a job at the same time. I just hope she isn’t neglecting Jordan in the evenings while she pursues more men to disappoint.

Cleavon has found a way to stay in touch with me by providing the school with his new contact address. That’s a strong message by anyone’s standards. I’ve sent him a letter requesting a meeting about Jordan’s behaviour. We’ll be able to finally get together over coffee, and get started with the rest of our lives. I haven’t decided what Jordan’s been doing yet. With any luck, Cleavon won’t even ask, but I’ll have to play that by ear.

Jordan draws separate pictures of himself with either Mumy or Daddie these days. I’ve added myself into one of the latter. ‘Me’, ‘Daddie’ and ‘Judith’. Jordan looks a bit sulky in the picture, but he was just smudging when I tried to rub him out, so it can’t be helped. I’m going to show it to Cleavon when we have our date at the school next week. I hope he likes it.

• A neighbour’s Christmas card is a good way of planting their DNA at the scene of a crime, but always remember to cross your name out.
• It’s considered bad luck to set fire to your Christmas tree indoors.
• A cheap time-saving alternative to wrapping presents individually is to simply wrap the recipient’s head.
• Home-made presents are all well and good until someone starts using their own hair.
• If you give a gift token, you’re telling the recipient you don’t trust them with real money.
• Make it clear to your neighbours that you expect them to keep and reuse your Christmas card every year until such time as you fall out.
• If you can’t find a card that will suit someone, simply give them a gift token that can only be used at a card shop.
• If you receive an amusing Christmas card, show your appreciation by reminding the sender of it and laughing every time you see them. Text them the joke four or five times a month. Then give them an identical card the following Christmas.
• Make your neighbours think you got them a gift that was subsequently stolen by taping shreds of wrapping paper to their cards.
• A nice touch when hand-making Christmas cards for neighbours is to photoshop yourself into pictures of their families.
• If you are experiencing money troubles, just send one Christmas card with instructions to post copies to seven others, with some vague threat not to break the chain.
• Printing a multiple choice questionnaire of some sort inside the Christmas cards for your neighbours will ensure you get them back.
• Not all of your neighbours’ Christmas cards will be a scam to obtain your signature, but always use your wrong hand just in case.
• When writing Christmas cards for all your neighbours, always include the postscript ‘I know it was you’ to ensure a response.
• In January, retrieve the card you gave your neighbour from their bin. In March, go round to your neighbour’s house and ask them why the card you gave them with the lovely Robin on isn’t on display. In December, put the same food-stained card back through their door.

]]> http://harpurger.com/2011/12/01/coping-with-christmas/feed/ 0 Advent22 richneville Advent22 http://harpurger.com/2011/10/29/catbin-fever/ http://harpurger.com/2011/10/29/catbin-fever/#comments Sat, 29 Oct 2011 18:19:46 +0000 richneville http://harpurger.com/?p=269 ]]> ‘You’ve all been very understanding, loves, and this book is my way of saying “thank you, now help me pay for what somebody did to Brenda’s downstairs lavatory”. Ignore the name at the top. It’s all my work, he just wrote it down. I’m sure he wasn’t even listening half the time.’ – CBL

CATBIN FEVER OUT NOW - Hardback - Paperback - eBook

‘I have momentary aberrations. We all do.’

It is also available in both hardback and paperback from www.lulu.com. Once read, either makes an ideal gift for a loved one, or even a friend’s inexplicably-favoured goddaughter. Please note that the paperback is printed in the UK, so it’ll get to you much faster than the hardback and be cheaper on the P&P if you’re UK-based. But then, the hardback is very nice. Choices.

The paperback will also be available elsewhere (Amazon, B&N, for order from bookshops etc.), but not for a few weeks yet.

Please enjoy this book!

CATBIN FEVER is based on, and from the creator of, the hit Twitter account @CatBinLady as seen on Channel 4 News.
It is a tale of momentary aberrations, friendship, jealousy, fraud, marriage and betrayal.

Praise for @CatBinLady :-
“...the pleasure she has afforded us all is a marvellous thing...” - India Knight, The Sunday Times.
“...a huge online hit.” - Andy Crick, The Sun.
“Whatever you do, follow @CatBinLady” - Claudia Winkleman.
“You all already know this, but @CatBinLady is one of the funniest/best conceived things I’ve seen on Twitter.” - Chris Addison.
“Everything about her is great.” - Graham Linehan.
“Well funny.” - Jason Manford.
“We love you CatBinLady” - Adult Swim UK. 

CatBinLady was among NME’s 25 best Twitter moments of 2010. 

CatBinLady won the 2011 Loaded LAFTA for Funniest Twitterer.

• When the new neighbours move in, give them a missing dog poster with a picture of a local dog you like. See if they can get it.
• Instead of “first pet” and “mother’s maiden name” banking security questions should be based on things only you know, like “name of first victim”.
• Earn the respect of your neighbours by saying you know nothing about things you actually know nothing about, but then winking.
• The suspicion that somebody is using your mouthwash is much worse if there is none missing from the bottle.
• You can tell a lot about a person from their urine, and its location.
• If you lose the spare key while the neighbours are away, simply put a lot of bottles of milk outside and report a funny smell.
• Don’t tell your neighbours that you are auditing their medicine cabinet. Some of their pills may make them paranoid & irritable.
• Make your neighbours splash urine all over themselves by putting clingfilm over your letterbox.
• If a lot of your unaddressed mail tends to be rotting or on fire, try asking your postman about the opt out service.
• Safely earn your neighbour’s trust by asking them to look after your spare key and giving them some old key that fits nothing.
• When babysitting, send reassuring texts to the parents throughout the evening, such as “I HAVE YOUR CHILDREN”.
• Lay the groundwork for a subsequent “psychic” phone call by sneaking into your neighbour’s kitchen and bending all their cutlery.
• The time limit of acceptability for throwing rice at married couples is definitely less than a year. It turns out.
• Your neighbour will not believe it’s a surprise party if you’re the only one hiding behind their sofa. As it turns out.
• Keep your jar of black balls representing your neighbours’ transgressions in the window, regardless of where they keep theirs.
• Video arrivals at your coffee morning so when they say you can take their coats they can’t later renege on this verbal contract.
• Remember to stop humming when your neighbour comes over to refresh your coffee, or they will know it’s you.
• Test your friendships with neighbours by presenting them with large framed photos of yourself and seeing where they display them.
• Claim your neighbour’s children have plagiarised your early work in their fridge paintings in hope of an out-of-court settlement. It should be easy to point to stylistic similarities and matching subject matter in any number of samples from your nursery portfolio.
• Avoid sitting through a neighbour’s holiday snaps by insisting on demonstrating your powers of “remote viewing” & simply leaving.
• Through judicious and surreptitious use of their kitchen calendars, you can tell your neighbours what to do, and when to do it.
• In some places, the “thumbs-up” gesture is considered rude. For example; at a funeral.
• Always wear many layers, and multiple pairs of trousers, to gain a vital edge in case the coffee morning turns to strip poker.
• Don’t throw away old toothbrushes; secrete them in the bathrooms of your neighbours to add mystery and suspicion to their lives.
• Remember that you can’t report your neighbour for fly-tipping while the offending furniture is still in their house.
• Befriend a neighbour by painting their house number on another neighbour’s wheelie bin and pointing it out to them.
• Try not to sound judgemental when you are counting the bottles in your neighbours’ recycling boxes.
• When you see someone in the park putting dog dirt in a bag, make it your business to ask them how long they’ve been collecting.
  NB: Some will pretend not to understand. Don’t antagonise them unduly, as they are armed with dog dirt.
• If you find a child’s shoe, don’t leave it on your wall. You don’t want children trying it on and pestering you to sell the pair.
• Ask each of your neighbours for a favour, but when they say OK don’t claim it immediately; say you’ll call on them in due course.
• Secretly mark all your neighbours’ belongings with a UV pen. If they’re ever burgled, anything the police recover will be yours.
• If you find some money outside a neighbour’s house it is considered good manners to show them what you bought with it.

The problem with bookshops is that nobody in them is the least bit impressed that you are buying a book. In this day and age, the purchase of literature should prompt onlookers to drop what they are doing and spontaneously applaud. At the very least, a small interview in the local paper should ensue. Questions should be asked, such as “what did you like so much about the cover”, and “have you decided which shelf you’re going to put it on”. You would answer their many fawning questions with a wry enigmatic smile, in the full knowledge that they were the wrong questions. For you would have the fullest intention of one day actually reading the book. Just as soon as you finished the other one you bought that time when you were on holiday. You wouldn’t of course be seeking to boast about what was now a literary collection, but you would hope to be quietly giving off the air of somebody who certainly knows their way around a book.

You could be forgiven for thinking that we were in the midst of a literary revival. For many, the eBook has replaced the magazine as a thing to hold on trains and buses. This is largely because it has a large reflective surface. These people do not turn the devices on, but rather hold them up to look at their own faces. For many this represents company, and is a comforting sight, although some will tend to peck at the image in confusion, thinking that they are seeing a rival.

When you have read a book, you can justifiably expect to be invited to many dinner parties to discuss what lay within. Try to have a rough estimate of the number of pages and if possible even words at the ready, as these are the things people will ask you about first. As a rule of thumb, the bigger these numbers are, the better the book you have read. Your astonished hosts will probably suggest that your eyes and/or hands must be very tired. Shrug this off for extra bravery points.

Once you have the accomplished aura of someone who has read a book, you can easily pretend to have read several more. One good trick is to simply claim to have read your “paper back” before in a “hard back” format. The content of these is almost identical, so you can instantly double your total. Another option is to watch a film. Many of these are also available as books, and are probably pretty similar. Something to watch out for here, however, is the lack of page and word counts associated with a film. Try taking the number of minutes the film seemed to last and touting that as the number of pages in the book you are claiming to have read. In case you are confronted with a question as to the author of your putative book, good names to toy with are Amis or Self. Nobody will dare challenge you for the forename, for fear of appearing gauche. If somebody at your dinner party says they have seen the film, don’t panic, there is still a way out here; simply assert that the book is better than the film. That should be enough to satisfy most of your fellow diners, who will simply nod in appreciation, but if you are pushed further you should suggest that they missed the best bits of the book out in the film. The real kicker in this strategy lies in the fact that you need, nay must say nothing more, other than to dismiss further inquiries with a sweeping statement that they really need to read it for themselves, and that to say more would be to spoil it. The chances are very good that your fellow diners will never seek out that 2012 novel.

• Get out of watering a neighbour’s houseplants by muttering things like “yeah, I’ll water them alright” and laughing to yourself. In fact, agreeing to do someone a favour in an unsettling sardonic tone will get you out of almost any task; try it next time someone asks you to watch their kids.
• Prevent neighbours from making you remove your shoes in their houses by wearing filthy socks and tattooing swearing on your feet.
• React to neighbours making you remove your shoes when you visit by installing a walk-through anti-verruca footbath in your porch.
• Think ahead. Laying claim to a history of somnambulism now may make explaining your presence in a neighbour’s hedge easier later.
• Make money from neighbours as a middleman by hiking the prices on pizza delivery menus and altering the phone number to your own.
• Convince someone they’re having blackouts by starting sentences with “I said” & changing seats/clothes when they aren’t looking.
• Try telling new neighbours you’ve just come to collect some things you’d lent the old neighbours, such as the bulbs, or carpets.
• When you move somewhere new, wear a mask. Adopting one later when everyone’s already seen your face will seem a mere affectation.
• Convince your neighbour that they have invited you to tea by sitting and repeatedly saying “this is extraordinarily kind of you”.
• A fun thing is to furtively add yourself into the children’s family drawings on your neighbours’ refrigerators.
• If your neighbour isn’t outside to hear your cry of “gardez l’eau” as you empty your chamber pot into their garden, phone them.
• Appear more interested at your coffee mornings by shaving your eyebrows off and drawing them back on further up your forehead.
• Before you retire, go to your neighbour and ask them if they heard the odd noise. If they say no, make the noise again.
• Cat collars make a stylish alternative to friendship bracelets, although your neighbours may assume them to be trophies.
• When trying to ascertain the resonant frequency of your partner’s brain, keep track of the notes you’ve already shrieked at them.
• “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands”. Appear content & well-adjusted with the neighbours by clapping continuously.
• If a neighbour claims to be unable to recall how they obtained a possession when questioned, just say “interesting” & make notes.
• Make your neighbour feel secure via the reassuring sight of you, stood in your garden, staring up at them whenever they look out.
• Welcome new neighbours & sow seeds of lasting resentment by presenting T-Shirts to the whole family with your face printed on.
• Gain unspoken fear and respect from your neighbours by silently mouthing the words “I know” every time you greet them.
• An intruder calling card : “While you were in, we tried to burgle you. Please contact us to arrange a time when you will be out.”
• Always check with your neighbour whether any of the things you found in their bins shouldn’t be discussed at neighbourhood watch.
• Name your house after the number of a neighbour’s, in words. Then meet daily to exchange mail and laugh about the coincidence.
• When visiting a neighbour for the 1st time, wait to be shown the toilet rather than asking if each new room they show you is it.

• When popping unwanted food through your neighbour’s door with a note saying “I couldn’t finish this”, remember to bag it first.
• An unsigned note through your neighbours’ doors reading “I want it back by midnight” will reveal who has borrowed what from whom.
• At your next coffee morning, postulate that one among your neighbours will betray you. Silently make notes about the reactions.
• Insist guests sign a visitors’ book, but fill in the comment section yourself with phrases like ‘not yet’ and ‘suspects nothing’.
• If a neighbour needs the bathroom during your coffee morning, ask for their keys, in case you are caught short in the meantime.
• The presence of a large padlocked Ottoman enlivens any coffee morning. Refuse to discuss it and check the lock frequently.
• Adopt an air of mystery with neighbours by having your clothing and possessions monogrammed with someone else’s initials.
• Upon discovering pages of pornography in a hedge, a good neighbour will go house to house to see if anyone has mislaid them.
• Make a neighbour feel less alone by asking them who it is you keep seeing in the window of their spare room.
• Establish moral superiority over a neighbour by telling them you forgive them. If they ask what for, say it’s already forgotten.
• Always remember, there are two kind-of people in your street.
• Show concern for a neighbour by often telling them what a shame it would be if something were to happen to them.
• Appear interesting to a neighbour by telling them to say you were home all day if anybody asks. Say it’s “for a thing”.
• Too many old papers? Highlight random sections and post them through a neighbour’s door with a note: “I saw this and thought of you”.
• You may burble PINs while talking in your sleep. Reduce this security threat by shouting random 4 digit numbers throughout the night.
• Don’t wait to be asked the time; volunteer the information to a stranger. They’ll always realise they’re late for something.
• When broadcasting on a neighbour’s baby monitor frequency, less is more; restrict yourself to intoning the odd sentence in Latin.
• It’s never too late to tell someone you’re thinking of them. A dart is a good method of picking a random name from the phone book.
• If you’re having trouble turning a tap on, try urinating.
• They say if you talk in the mirror until you can’t see your lips move any more, a doll will come and find you.
• Teach your neighbour to rise earlier by leaving an empty bassinet outside their door with a note saying “please look after her”.
• If you’re thinking of changing your house’s number for a name, a good option to consider is ‘Freepost’.
• Befriend a neighbour through similar tastes; try claiming to have photos of all the same people they have on their mantelpiece.
• Make a neighbour more existentially inquisitive by putting missing person flyers through their door with their own face on.

Goodnight…

• Put a Valentine card to yourself through a neighbour’s door. When they bring it round, ignore their denials that it’s from them.
• Avoid being asked to look after neighbours’ pets by simply having forty or fifty lollipop stick crosses stuck in your front lawn.
• In case of sleep injury, bandage yourself from head to toe now and simply remove dressings from undamaged areas in the morning.
• Give a stranger a sense of unease by congratulating them on how brave you think they are and walking away shaking your head.
• Give the gift of apprehension by telling someone you dreamt about them and you’re glad they’re alright. Refuse to go into it.
• Ask a neighbour to water your houseplants for a week and then stay home. See how long they abide by their commitments.
• Enrich a stranger’s life by leaving a note under their windscreen wiper that reads “I know what you saw. Say nothing.”
• Give the gift of mystery; send someone a list of names including theirs, then ask for it back claiming it was posted in error.
• Always keep a daily record of your neighbour’s movements for comparison with your own in the event they report you for snooping.
• Very few intruders work in gangs communicating via skilled bird impressions à la the late Percy Edwards. It may well be birdsong.
• If you long to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet, simply stay still long enough to convince the cockroaches that you’re asleep.
• The one thing worse than discovering someone has been reading your diary is realising someone has been writing it.
• When you’re marking the boundaries of your territory, it’s considered more civilised these days to use a pre-filled bottle.
• Is it better to receive a thousand yard stare from your postman, or a thousand one yard stares?
• Many intruders are attracted to milk delivery by the good cover for glass noises and the silent vehicle.
• Look out for signs of product placement and political bias in tonight’s dream.
• The postman always knocks twice, which makes him a very negative contact in a seance.
• You’d better hope your contractor has a speech impediment if they tell you that your building has writhing damp.
• If you leave a note for extra pints, and it’s the same number the milkman is thinking of, it’s all free. Hint: it’s a big number.
• If you’re boring people with your dreams, tell them the events are from books. They’ll admire your ability to read boring books.
• Convince your partner you have the superior dreams by learning to sleep with one eyebrow quizzically raised (you could use tape).
• See if your postman is reading your mail by asking him things only you could know (this could also show he is writing the mail).
• Address a letter to the postman and stick it to the door occasionally. Every unrequited envelope he posts feeds his resentment.
• Remember to leave a note for the milkman. That small human connection may just prevent him from snapping again.
• If you find yourself in someone else’s dream, why not try a clown mask. Have fun with it.
• If you plan to commit crimes during your dream, try to sleep in front of several witnesses for a solid alibi.
• If we all will it hard enough, we can unbend all the spoons riveted to Uri Geller’s car.
• Any qualifications you may obtain during your dream should immediately go on your C.V.
• Remember, anything you purchase in your dream is tax-deductible. Keep the receipts.
• Report any crimes you witness in your dream, on the offchance that you may be psychic. The police will appreciate the effort.
• Try to keep track of any copyrighted music or images that may appear in your dream to be prepared for itemised billing to come.
• Leaving all the TVs and radios in the house running will avoid you being woken up by it turning them on.
• Reassure your neighbours that they don’t need to worry about you by bellowing “I’M ALRIGHT” every hour, on the hour.
• Try to keep your scrapbook up to date with all your latest clippings. You never know when a toenail expert will come calling.
• The problem with stockpiling urine in bottles like Howard Hughes is gauging the point at which supply outstrips demand.
• Toilet seats are always cold due to the proximity of the unquiet spirits of dead germs. And ghost poo.
• Tests show toilet seats to contain fewer germs than chopping boards, yet counter-intuitively, reversing their roles helps nobody.
• If bored watching the night’s security footage every day, why not swap tapes with a friend (There may be security implications).
• Scented candles can be used in a home protection spell when thrust up the nostrils of an intruder.
• Essential oils can easily form a part of your security regime, when applied directly to the eyes of an intruder.
• The average human eats a pound of insects a year. Why not make it your resolution to stop, and just leave them in the uplighter.
• If your living room floor is covered in needles this xmas, you should consider getting help.
• It’s considered bad luck to burn down your xmas tree indoors.
• A cheap time-saving alternative to wrapping presents individually is to simply wrap the recipient’s head.
• Homemade presents are all well and good until someone starts using their own hair.
• If you give a gift token, you’re telling the recipient you don’t trust them with real money.
• When writing xmas cards for all your neighbours, always include the postscript ‘I know it was you’.
• Sewerage workers can hear everything that happens in your bathroom. It’s polite to shout encouragement to them when you flush.
• A photo of your partner’s toothbrush in the toilet bowl taken now will make a wonderful parting gift when things go sour.
• Try not to dream about losing teeth, but if you must, at least make sure they’re not yours.
• For most candle spells, you can substitute an anglepoise lamp if no candle is available. You’ll still require the altar though.
• Poltergeists are the original programming to a restligeist’s endless repeats. Either offers full 3D without the need for glasses.
• Imagine not being able to see or hear what’s going on around you, or even to move voluntarily. Let’s all try it for a few hours.

Goodnight…

• Don’t worry, it’ll be just like going to sleep.
• It’s commonly known that ghosts are primarily composed of sheets. It’s less known that most statues are over-starched ghosts.
• Sometimes a thing with a goat’s face is just a goat.
• If you’re getting less sleep than your partner, try emitting a short high-pitched shriek every minute until you drop off.
• A gently lavender-scented candle will help cleanse the room of the smell of burning candles.
• Many of the strange noises you’re hearing can be simply explained by loose cochlear hairs. Poltergeists love pulling those out.
• You can leave the light on all you want, but it’s not going to make that noise go away.
• Don’t forget to sellotape hairs across all your orifices so you can check in the morning for signs of entry.
• Excited that the new Ouija board update came out today, adding OHAI, LOL, ROFL and KTHXBAI to the traditional YES and NO.
• With a voice-activated recorder you can find out how many people talk in your sleep.
• The natural reabsorption of unejaculated sperm has the unfortunate consequence that nearly all men have haunted testicles.
• Dinosaur ghosts are rarely seen because there simply aren’t many white sheets large enough.
• Scientologists have a starburst cross very similar to that of the Rosicrucians. Be clear with vampires which one you’re holding.
• Jehovah’s Witnesses believe Christ died not on a cross, but an upright stake, so only need hold up a stick to scare off vampires.
• Keeping scalding holy water in a hot water bottle is a good way of hedging your bets in case your intruder isn’t a vampire.
• Don’t worry, it’s physically impossible to swallow your own tongue. Not in one piece, anyway.
• A powerful spell protecting you from your enemy can be cast by simply making a mojo bag containing the ground bones of your enemy
• For a simple candle protection spell, burn a candle next to the candle you wish to protect.
• For simple burglary protection, carve the full name of the person you don’t want to be burgled by on a black candle and burn it.
• It’s probably just the wind that keeps turning your security light on. And turning the back door handle.
• Scientists believe they are close to developing the dream recorder. Then you’ll be able to play Frere Jacques as you sleep.
• The ouija board is commonly a receptacle for anger, filth & deceit. In many ways it is a forerunner of the internet messageboard.
• When performing your restful sleep spell, remember to allow enough time for the full five hour chant.
• When you finish your nightly protection from fire spell, remember to put out all the candles properly.
• If you can’t sleep, just lie still with your eyes shut and think of mad stuff for six hours or so. No one will be any the wiser.
• Periodically waving into the darkness will make them think you can see them (this won’t work once you drop off).
• At Hallowe’en some wear white sheets. On Bonfire Night some burn things. In the week between these things shouldn’t be combined.
• In some parts of the world, the letterbox in your door is sold as a snake flap.
• Hosting your Hallowe’en parties in sub-zero temperatures makes it easier to tell undead crashers and costumed ‘breathers’ apart.
• Remember, the later you leave it to put your clocks back, the longer you make the third most evil day of the year.
• Try to preserve your modesty until you’re sure all the insects in the room are looking the other way.
• Leaving a lot of full milk bottles outside your neighbours’ front door will make your house far less prone to burglary tonight.
• Ensure your house seems occupied to burglars by loudly playing a recording of a blazing row all night, like your neighbours do.
• Via hydrolysis, holy water can be split into holy hydrogen and holy oxygen. Why not fill your home with anti-vampire gases.
• Impress your neighbours with how fulfulling your life is by cultivating a deep, booming laugh to use suddenly in the small hours.
• You can protect yourself from hair loss by preserving your head in amber. Make very sure you like the style first.
• There are parts of the world where the things that will likely crawl into your recumbent maw would be considered delicacies.
• Why not enrich your neighbours’ lives now by playing various self-improvement hypnosis tapes at maximum volume?
• Keep trying to find your trigger phrase, in case you’re really a sleeper agent. Say 50 random things to yourself before bed.
• Shouting “I know what you’re up to” through the wall to the neighbours will probably stop them doing whatever they were up to.
• If you want to wake at a specific hour, bang your head on the pillow that many times. Then set your alarm clock for that time.
• Cosmic ordering breaks down when people ask for the exact opposite things. You should try asking for that not to happen.
• You’re going to have to sit an exam during tonight’s dream, so you may want to revise before bed. And put some clothes on.
• Microwaves from mobile phone masts need not trouble you during the night if you mount your bed on a slowly rotating turntable.
• Your eyes will get tired watching dreams all night, so don’t forget to take a 10 minute break for every hour’s sleep.
• Writing things on your teeth will enable you to pass subliminal messages with a smile. Go get that promotion.
• Remember to put some money under your pillow so the tooth fairy doesn’t start pulling molars.
• Strapping a harmonica into your mouth will make your snoring far more enjoyable for your partner / neighbours.
• If you put the batteries into a torch the wrong way round, you can suck all the light out of a room.
• If you were truly afraid of the dark, you’d let out a little yelp every time you blinked.
• Don’t forget to count up all your possessions to ensure they don’t total the number of the beast. Or thirteen.
• Remember, knocking twice MEANS knocking twice.
• You’re unlikely to develop alien hand syndrome and strangle yourself in your sleep, but handcuffs are a sensible precaution.
• You’ll sleep easier if you familiarise yourself with all the noises your house makes; All the creaks, knocks, moans and cackles.
• Make sure your neighbours aren’t watching you by training a series of video cameras on their houses.
• Why not consider putting a window into that wall you share with the neighbours? They won’t object if they have nothing to hide.
• Investing in a water bed and filling it with holy water will render you almost impervious to vampire attacks.
• Now go towards the light. And turn it off.