Now that Advent is upon us, here are some valuable tips to help you to get through this difficult period. A neighbour’s Christmas card is a good way of planting their DNA at the scene of a crime, but always remember to cross your name out. It’s considered bad luck to set fire to your… [Read more…]
October 29, 2011
‘You’ve all been very understanding, loves, and this book is my way of saying “thank you, now help me pay for what somebody did to Brenda’s downstairs lavatory”. Ignore the name at the top. It’s all my work, he just wrote it down. I’m sure he wasn’t even listening half the time.’ – CBL CATBIN… [Read more…]
May 26, 2011
More simple suggestions on how to seem more like those around you. When the new neighbours move in, give them a missing dog poster with a picture of a local dog you like. See if they can get it. Instead of “first pet” and “mother’s maiden name” banking security questions should be based on… [Read more…]
May 13, 2011
The problem with bookshops is that nobody in them is the least bit impressed that you are buying a book. In this day and age, the purchase of literature should prompt onlookers to drop what they are doing and spontaneously applaud. At the very least, a small interview in the local paper should… [Read more…]
April 18, 2011
More important information about blending with the community. Get out of watering a neighbour’s houseplants by muttering things like “yeah, I’ll water them alright” and laughing to yourself. In fact, agreeing to do someone a favour in an unsettling sardonic tone will get you out of almost any task; try it next time someone… [Read more…]
March 14, 2011
More advice from the small hours. It’s mostly about how to be a great neighbour. When popping unwanted food through your neighbour’s door with a note saying “I couldn’t finish this”, remember to bag it first. An unsigned note through your neighbours’ doors reading “I want it back by midnight” will reveal who… [Read more…]
February 14, 2011
More important lifestyle advice normally imparted at times when only Atlanteans are awake. Goodnight… Put a Valentine card to yourself through a neighbour’s door. When they bring it round, ignore their denials that it’s from them. Avoid being asked to look after neighbours’ pets by simply having forty or fifty lollipop stick crosses stuck in… [Read more…]
December 3, 2010
More valuable pieces in the map to the land of Nod. Goodnight… Don’t worry, it’ll be just like going to sleep. It’s commonly known that ghosts are primarily composed of sheets. It’s less known that most statues are over-starched ghosts. Sometimes a thing with a goat’s face is just a goat. If you’re getting less… [Read more…]
October 2, 2010
Yet another collection of the sign-offs that have eased so many troubled minds. Goodnight… The last thing intruders will be expecting is a staircase completely smothered in butter. It could save your life. Lullabies are only calming when you know where they’re coming from. Achieving forced perspective effects with tapering hallways will convince an… [Read more…]
September 3, 2010
In late August, a middle-aged Coventry woman had a moment of madness and popped a friendly tabby into a wheelie bin, presumably expecting that it would go on to wear a waistcoat and form a gang replicating the exploits of Sergeant Bilko. The cat was discovered after it had spent fifteen hours failing to… [Read more…]
August 21, 2010
A groundbreaking show is coming to television. It will be based on the Twitter account “Shit My Dad Says”, and will feature a straight-shooting old man, who isn’t afraid to say exactly what he thinks, and if that means swearing, then he just about blinking well will, the flipper. Unfortunately, the network isn’t happy… [Read more…]
August 16, 2010
A Dreamcatcher is a device designed to take away your dreams. In this sense it is much like a spouse, or permanent employment. Dreamcatchers tend to be assembled from willow hoops within which are woven webs akin to those of a spider, often made from sinew or nettle fibre. They are designed in this fashion… [Read more…]
August 14, 2010
If the vast majority of witnesses to phantasmal visitations are to be believed, ghosts wear clothes. That’s just an accepted fact. It is of course possible that as many people are seeing nude ghosts, and deciding for whatever reason not to tell anyone, but it’s fully decent spectres that get all the publicity. This… [Read more…]
August 9, 2010
“Ian, close the door, would you?” Ray had decided no-one else was going to turn up. He swung his legs onto the oval table as Ian reached back to push the meeting room door shut. The other attendees were all sat in chairs, but Ray considered that his senior position in the company behooved… [Read more…]
July 29, 2010
More of the advice that has helped so many go to their rest. Goodnight… Painting crowds of people in silhouette on every wall in the house would probably frighten and confuse intruders. No downside. Yes, that was just a shadow you glimpsed earlier. No, it wasn’t yours. The moths probably won’t release enough dust to… [Read more…]
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December 1, 2011
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